www.ChadRiden.com:
Chad's jokes, parody songs, standup mp3s and videos

Comment on this column in the Mangy Forum!

Martyr Without A Cause

My close friends know me as an activist.. a renegade.. a rebel-rouser.. a man unafraid of the "consequences" of speaking my mind and ruffling a few feathers. I don't pull punches and I don't censor myself. I fight for what's right, and I have the drive and determination to make a difference. What I don't have.. is a cause.

I'm willing to die for what I believe in, but the problem is: I don't believe in anything. There are no issues that tug at my soul. Well, no REAL issues, I mean. Sure, I'm a firm believer in all-you-can-eat buffets, the Blues, and sweet, sweet lovin'.. but nobody stands to oppose me on those fronts.

People aren't exactly flooding my inbox with angry emails about my strong "pro-hilarious-comedy" stance.. and when I speak out against stupidity and moronic behavior, nobody pipes up with, "Gul durn it! Ahm dumb as hey-ll an' prawwd of it, yew sumbitch!" (Except Jesse, but that's just his way.)

Nobody is really oppressing me right now. I've got a good job where they treat me well and pay me on time. My Lady is ive, understanding and fun. My dog does what I say. Even the cops and government agencies have left me alone for a while. It appears that for once, "The Man" isn't out there working day and night trying to bring me down.. which disturbs me.

How will I take my rightful place amongst the great martyrs in history if I don't die for a really cool cause? I've been racking my brain for days trying to come up with something I can protest. Religion? Society? Technology? Environmental issues? It's all been done.

See, anybody can drive a van full of explosives into a guard booth somewhere in the Middle East.. but being Kamikaze Martyr #23,871,594 for some tired old cause isn't going to make a difference. Jumping onto some well-worn bandwagon like the anti-nuke campaign, or the save the trees movement isn't going to give them that extra boost they needed to win the war they've been fighting for decades.

No, I need a cause to rally behind that is bold and new. Something boldly new.. or newly bold. It's gotta be something hip and sexy, too. When I make the ultimate sacrifice, I want Mtv all over it. They should devote hours and hours of full coverage to the tragic, yet historically important and spiritually justified, loss.

Don't get me wrong here.. I'm not talking about doing damage to anybody else. I'm talking about the kind of self-sacrifice people did way back in the day: you know.. Joan d'Arc, Jesus - type stuff. I don't want to hurt anybody else, that would ruin it. It's all about getting people to say, "He was SO selfless! He gave his LIFE for ______________!"

So I'm looking for suggestions. I'm a man on a mission, I just don't know what that mission is. If you can think of something for me to get all hot-headed about, by all means let me know.