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Recently my good friend The MangyK9 asked me, "Hey, Chad - what's it like to fall of the face of the earth?"

"Ha, ha," I responded. (Notice I didn't say, "LOL!" This is because I'm not an annoying moron "laughing out loud" at every comment that even brushes up against humor. Ok, ok.. no letters from ex-girlfriends: for the purpose of this column, let's just SAY I'm not an annoying moron.)

Then I tried to rationalize to him why I haven't had any new rants in over two months: "Orphans. I've been reading stories to kids in the orphanage."

"Really? When did you learn to read?"

"Hmm.... right. So, really.. I've been donating my time to Habitat for Humanity. Every weekend, building houses for the needy."

"Uh-huh. You haven't done anything requiring physical labor since 1993."

"Touche, mon ami, touche."

He then slapped me for speaking French - and thank God he did. In doing so, he may very well have saved my life. With that simple physical response he snapped me back into reality (or as close as I come to lucidity, at least) after an insane two month rampage.

The day after MangyK9.com published my "Valentines Day" rant, the HumanClick "chat with me" thingie blew up. It seems that upon reading that column, the masses of mangy maniacs came under the impression that I may be able to help them with their questions about dating, love and romance. Let's clear that up right now.. if I knew anything about dating, love or romance - would I have this much free time? No. Sadly, the best advice I have for anybody is to read Iceberg Slim's classic book, "Pimp: The Story of My Life", and to check out the HBO documentary, "Pimps Up, Ho's Down."

Having studied those works extensively, I decided to avoid Valentines Day (and a good part of the last two months) by decending into the seedy underbelly of society. Armed only with my wit and a Swiss Army knife, I embarked on a journey not unlike the ones chronicled in Jack Kerouac's "On The Road." Well.. if you crossed that book with the words of the modern poet, Too $hort, that would be more like it.

But, I could write a novella about that zany misadventure. Then Disney would buy the rights to the story, change the disturbing low-lifes into loveable wacky characters, arrange for cheap figurines to be included in every Happy Meal, and release a really lame movie starting Kirk Cameron. Instead, let me catch you up on All Things Chad.

I've been doing freelance web design stuff for about 7 months or so.. I've had a few different clients, but I spent most of that time working in-house at a web design / hosting company in Nashville. Things have been going pretty good for me... they were keeping me busy, and I was churning out some good stuff. I generally consider most of my creative endeavors "crap" (and rightfully so), but my recent output has been crap of an above-average quality.

Lately there have been major cut-backs across the board in the dot-com world.. That didn't really worry me - I don't work for a "dot-com".. I just make 'em. Business was going really good for me: I had plenty to do. But every day I'd hear about hundreds of people getting laid off left and right in this business.

While I wasn't "laid off".. Friday I was offered an exciting new opportunity to telecommute from home working on a contract / project basis. Of course, I haven't heard from them since, but any day now.. I'm pretty sure they'll call with some work for me to do.

I hope.

Now, I'm truly "self employed".. which, in my case, means "self unemployed." I can wake up whenever, wear whatever, drink whatever, say whatever.. Nobody gets in my way while I'm trying to navigate thru the morons clogging up the interstates on my way to and from work. Nobody from 'Management' is here to give me dirty looks as I play Ultima Online or EverQuest. Nobody complains when I crank my music up really loud and play the same song over and over for hours. And, well, nobody is giving me any money.

I'm sure I'll get some work to do very shortly. If not, I'm switching over to plan B: I'll put all my stuff in storage, and my faithful canine Guido and I will travel to Jamaica to be beach bums with the Rastas. I figure, if you're going to be homeless, you might as well do it someplace nice.

So, if you have a problem... if no one else can help.. and if you can find me.. maybe you can hire The "C" Team.