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So Long, Fucko, Part 2: Electric Boogaloo
{May 2, 2002}

"Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freeeeeeeedooom! Freedom!" Not unlike Aretha Franklin's character in The Blues Brothers, I have been set free. About ten months ago, a great plague fell upon my household. It wasn't locusts, drought or syphilis.. no, no, no. I would have gladly endured any of those plights instead of what I had to put up with: the unholy presence of Jesse Perry.

Imagine being completely dependent upon somebody else for every aspect of your day to day life. Housing, transportation, food, cable television, high-speed internet access, you name it. Can you fathom such a horrible situation? Now, pretend that you are the person that somebody else is completely dependent upon. Even worse, picture this: the person permeating every facet of your life happens to be Jesse Perry. The terror!

Yes, the days of Mr. Perry infesting my house and destroying any shred of privacy I once had are over. All he left in his wake was a pile of debris and a spank-it magazine he had stolen from me months ago. Boy is the house different with him gone..

My pets have come out of hiding. I thought they died or fled the property months ago. I can now buy groceries and rest assured that nobody is sitting at my house while I'm gone, devouring all of my food. My shower drain is no longer plugged up with the hairs that leapt from Jesse's sad, balding head as if it were a burning building.

I've aired the place out, and have begun sterilizing the surfaces. The most difficult thing to clean up is the Jesse residue, or "Jessidue" as I have come to call it. It's an odd smelling, greasy film that can't be removed with commercial cleaning products. I've found that the best way to get it clean is to use a copper brush and acid that I had to special order thru Home Depot. It's dangerous work.. the chemical is very toxic. I have to wear rubber gloves, a breathing mask and goggles. It's all worth the effort, though.

Finally, I have my life back. I can now sit at home and enjoy the peaceful silence of a Jesse-Free Zone. The joy! Pure ecstasy, I tell you. My cold, black little heart has warmed up like butter in a skillet in hell.. and it worries me.

With my life back in order.. with the tragedy over.. with the pain gone.. I began to fear that I may lose my edge. My comedy is fueled with smart-assed hate and loathing. How can I continue when I can't feed off my hatred for Jesse Perry? That is a huge part of the negativity that courses thru me like the heroin in Courtney Love's veins. But then I realized something that gave me hope for the future: Just because Jesse has moved out doesn't mean I have to stop hating him!

So, for the sake of my comedy.. for the sake of MangyK9.. for your sakes.. I now make this pledge to you, the Chad Riden Fans: I will continue, strong as ever, with my bad attitude, my jackass behavior, and my cheap dead celebrity jokes. With Jesse out of my way, over at his new "Chateau Debris," I can spend more time plotting against him uninterrupted. Even considering the worst case scenario (which would be forgetting my absolute despite for Mr. Perry and becoming, God forbid, his friend), I think everything would still be ok because I could focus more of my dark powers on the other marks out there who desperately deserve mockery and humiliation.

Watch out, no-talent pop stars! Heads up, mediocre, low-brow, derivative, unfunny, formulaic, predictable, hack late night talk show hosts who happen to have had a show on NBC at 11:35 Eastern Standard Time for the last ten years! Beware, you over-rated, pompous Hollywood jackasses with enough money to buy and sell me a million times over! I'm fully charged with spite and I'm ready to smother you with slander.