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The Blackout Blues

I like to think of myself as rough and rugged. A man's man.. a guy with the strength, stamina and willpower to "tough it out." A brave, stalwart old soul - willing to do it the hard way. Defeating the odds, overcoming all obstacles and persevering until the very end. A winner, a worker, a thoroughbred, a champion.

Then my power went out. I was playing Ultima Online and watching Late Show with David Letterman. It had been storming all day and the news said power outages were expected.. but when my house went dark I sat there surprised and completely lost.

I stumbled across the room to light some candles. With two candles lit, it occurred to me that in today's world most candles are pretty to look at and smell really good but don't cast a light worth anything. Thanks Bath & Body Works! Screwed again!

With my candles lit, I called to report the power outage and sat back down in my chair. Staring blankly into the darkness, I patiently waited for my tv and computer to power back up. "Any minute now," I thought to myself.

Fast forward 30 minutes. I was now swigging Stolichnaya Orange Flavored Russian Vodka from the bottle... rubbing my hands thru my hair and over my face.. exhaling abnormally loudly.. and getting worried. Still staring at my blank television, waiting for it's triumphant return to glory.

Minutes pass and nothing happens. "Watched water never boils," I thought to myself and turned away - looking at a candle instead. I wondered if there were any activities I enjoy that didn't require electricity. The light was too dim to read a book. READ?! Why, I could read my email with my cel phone! Battery-powered, night-lit technology! Thank God, I'm saved!

You'd think so... but no, not quite. After deleting the accumulation of lame-ass forwards, there wasn't much else to do. (By the way, if you forward those stupid chain letters, "jokes", alleged beta-tests where morons think Microsoft / NASA / Disney / whoever is going to pay everybody for sending it, and oh-my-God virus alerts to everybody you know every chance you get but can't take the time to write a personal, original note expressing your own thoughts, feelings or experiences... then STOP. Nobody gives a crap about that stuff. You're wasting time and bandwidth.) Anyway, with my inbox cleared of debris I turned off the phone and once again was enveloped in the quiet darkness which is a power outage.

I started feeling desperate. I noticed my face twitching and my hands shaking. If only I knew enough to build an alternative power source generator of some kind... damn my mediocre education! What to do? I couldn't just go to bed! That would be insane! That would be just as good as giving up the fight and accepting doom.

This was a fate altering decision: either keep the faith... or ditch the ship; concede defeat; totally sell out; shop at The Gap; eat at McDonald's; go to the mall; tuck my shirt in; follow the crowd; become a lesbian; enjoy Coca-Cola; buy a Palm Pilot; join a health club; get in line; leave a message; take a number... CONFORM!

No, no! I couldn't go out like that. I had to stay up... and write lame comedy!