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The Invasion Of The Funkless Clone Women

I recently spent a wonderful week in New York City. My first night there I met up with friends who also went to UT-Knoxville and hit a few bars. The rest of the week I visited the Upright Citizens Brigade, Late Show with David Letterman, The Daily Show, and Late Night with Conan O'Brien. I had a lot of fun and promoted MangyK9 everywhere I went, but the high point of the trip was going to see George Clinton and The P-Funk All Stars at B.B. King's on 42nd Street.

The current incarnation of Parliament-Funkadelic can't legally bill themselves as such. Bridgeport Music and it's evil / funkless owner, Armen Boladian, registered copyrights for that name and most of the songs George wrote or cowrote under his own name years and years ago. Since then he has made hundreds of millions of dollars from the licensing of samples and the sales of George's catalog of albums. Regardless of this continuing legal battle, on stage George's band refers to themselves as Funkadelic.. and rightly so.

Most people only know of the classic songs associated with Parliament: "Flashlight," "Mothership Connection"... Some people love the samples that have made Dr. Dre, Snoop Dog, Warren G and Too $hort famous, but don't know where they came from. One girl I know calls it "disco stuff, or whatever it is you listen to" and that couldn't be farther from reality. It troubles me that this world is dying from it's funklessness.

In November of 1999, a friend and I saw the boys at the 328 Performance Hall in Nashville. It was a great show.. they played for about four hours (which isn't unusual) and we funked all night. At that show I bought a blue and white tie-dye bucket hat that has "P-FUNK" stitched across the front, and wore it all weekend.

The next night, my buddy Hutch and I went to the Marathon sports bar in Nipper's Corner. As soon as we walked in this nice looking waitress came up to me and started talking about the P-Funk concert (I was still wearing that obnoxiously funky hat).. apparently she had been there, too. We went off about how incredible it was.. she was very cool. We talked (or slurred, I guess) to her all night.

There was a table of 5 or 6 dames nearby... it was weird: they all fit the same general description: tall, thin, straight black hair, nice rack, similar dress. I thought it was odd that they all looked the same. While I was waiting for the bartenders' attention one time, I noticed that they were talking about me. So of course I walked over there and asked them what was going on. "We're trying to figure out your hat," one of 'em said.

I was surprised... "P-Funk." Blank stares. "Parliament-Funkadelic?" Nothing. "You know who George Clinton is, RIGHT?"

"No."

"Dr. Funkenstein?!?" They had no idea what I was talking about. I threw my hands up in disgust... "I'm sorry. I can't talk to you if you don't know who GEORGE CLINTON is. I have no frame of reference." And I walked back to the bar.

Hutch asked me, "what was that?" I told him... "Man - they had no concept of who George CLINTON is! I've got standards. They all just failed test one. A funk-less woman is NOT what I'm looking for." And he laughed. It's rare for me to just COMPLETELY dismiss an entire party of good looking women. I thought it was the funniest thing: Chad dishes out total rejection to a table of funkless clone women. But, it's not funny.

I screwed up. George's message is that people NEED the funk. The mythology is that Dr. Funkenstein sent Starchild in the Mothership to deliver the funk to the earthlings. His Clones were created to spread it to all corners of creation. Sir Nose D'Voidoffunk is the non-dancing opponent of the Funk.

From The Motherpage:
Starchild represented life, freedom, sex and positive energy. His opponent, Sir Nose D'Voidoffunk, represented hyprocrisy, constriction, repression of emotions and actions, and death. The true message was that everyone had a choice; everyone could move towards maximum funk in their life. Their most brilliant and subtle song on this topic was "Funkentelechy", mocking the consumer society. When Clinton asks, "Would you trade your funk for what's behind the third door?", he's asking you how much your life is worth. Will you trade your soul, your integrity, in order to achieve something that's ultimately meaningless? It's clear that they believe it's never too late for anyone; in "Flash Light", even Sir Nose finds the funk.

The world needs the funk and, being funky, it's my responsibility to spread it. "Flashlight" says, "Most of all he needs the funk - help him find the funk," and "Unfunky UFO" declares, "You've got all that is really needed to save a dying world from its funklessness." I don't know how I initially missed this important edict, but now I'm doing all I can to remedy this unfunky situation.

I've got tons of vinyl, cd's and mp3's of the funk, and am constantly collecting more.. but my personal collection hasn't helped spread the funk.. until now. Lately, I've been distributing a cd of "C-Funk" to friends. I don't sell it, that would be illegal. But I don't feel bad about distributing the copyrighted works, because (sadly) George doesn't make money off the sales of most of those songs anyway.

If you have funk videos or mp3s to trade, email me now.. If not, download Gnotella and search for parliament and funkadelic. Most importantly, I'd suggest going to every P-Funk show you can possibly get to. www.drfunkenstein.com has the schedule and much more. Got a blank cd? I'll copy C-Funk for you. If you can find and download the mp3s, put it together your own self, here's the track listing:

1. Dr. Funkenstein Prelude [Parliament] (1:42)
2. If Anybody Gets Funked Up (It's Gonna Be You) [George Clinton & The P-Funk All Stars featuring Erick Sermon and MC Breed] (4:26)
3. Mothership Connection [Parliament] (6:15)
4. Theme From The Black Hole [Parliament] (4:41)
5. Dr. Funkenstein [Parliament] (5:48)
6. (Not Just) Knee Deep (part 1) [Funkadelic] (4:32)
7. Cosmic Slop [Funkadelic] (6:31)
8. Standing On The Verge Of Getting It On [Funkadelic] (5:12)
9. Atomic Dog [George Clinton] (4:49)
10. T.A.P.O.A.F.O.M. (The Awesome Power Of A Fully Operational Mothership) [George Clinton & The P-Funk All Stars] (7:56)
11. Good Thoughts, Bad Thoughts [Funkadelic] (12:19)
12. Maggot Brain [Funkadelic] (8:26)

Here's the cover art if you want it ( the thumbnail for a large, printer-friendly image):

Funk you, very much!