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A Call For Genocide

An evil plight has befallen my humble abode. It's nothing biblical like locusts or lepers or the living dead... If I could trade my afliction with any other I'd gladly welcome frogs falling from the sky, or rivers of blood, or even videotapes of Jay Leno's "Tonight" Show (A pathetic bastardization of what was once a proud beacon of quality comedic entertainment. This hideous freak has single-handedly reduced Johnny Carson's throne to a smoldering shambles, and it saddens me to no end. Thank Megatheos there is a much better Show on at that exact same time.). But, I've gone off on a tangent already.

This pestilence in my home has an ungodly grip on me and permeates every aspect of my life. It has driven me to the brink of insanity - any attempt I make to thwart this invasion is met with contemptuous indifference from my resilient foe. I've been waging this battle for a long time. There have been many setbacks, and few victories.

Each morn as I wake, I am aware of the presence. As I go about my day, the situation haunts my thoughts. Throughout the eve and late into the night, I plot against my foe... working diligently with my eyes on the future.

Those of you who've been to my place recently probably have a guess as to what I'm talking about, but you're wrong. I'm not whining about my roommate. True, another human infests my house and is an unholy annoyance and all that, but that's not what I'm talking about. He's a minor problem in comparison to the pure evil I speak of.

Yes, flea season is in full swing.

When you live in a house with multiple furry animals scurrying about, you're never alone. You have cute little friends who love you unconditionally with every molecule of energy they possess. Unfortunately you also have ugly, tiny fiends who hate you... whose only goals are to annoy and expand (kind of like daytime talk show hosts, only without Rosie and Oprah's incessant self-righteous rhetoric). Damn the fleas!

I've treated the yard so often that the poison-saturated soil can barely even plant life at this point. I use the topical medication on my pets and shampoo them with the deadliest concoctions commercially available. I powder my carpets with DeathDust5000. I vacuum and steam clean like an insane neat-freak on seven hits of Liquid Sunshine. I've got a light-trap thing so sticky that the fleas rip their little limbs off when they try to jump away. I bomb the house with room foggers often enough to kill off all human life. Yet they live.

I understand the food chain and the grand scheme of things in the animal kingdom.. but I challenge anybody to show me a purpose for these creatures. Anything that feeds on the blood of the living is unholy and must die.

I only wish I was a man of science. I would use my powers to completely remove all fleas from the earth, destroying all of their kind without mercy. If I could control the weather, I'd schedule monthly deep-freezes just to keep flies and fleas in check. When? When will science allow me to kill off an entire species in one fell swoop? I'm not asking for all that much. I just want to be able to lay down on my bed without having vermin bouncing on and off my legs. That's all. What's it take to get a little flea genocide going?