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Oh, Baby!
{June 12, 2003}

For as long as I can remember, my parents had been asking when I was going to get married. Whenever the family would get together the conversation would always turn to marriage and the production of grandkids. I'd always reply, "well, before we start worrying about grandkids maybe I should, I don't know, meet a woman? Preferably one that's not completely insane, slowly draining me of my very will to live.."

Well, I lucked out and to my parents delight I did get married to the most wonderful woman I've ever met. My parents kicked the grandkids chatter up into overdrive. It got to be so annoying that whenever they would get started I would turn to my wife and shrug saying, "You guys want grandkids? ok. We'll go make some. See ya later!" I'd grab her hand and we'd go upstairs for a while. Then we'd take showers and come back down all rejuvenated and perky. They stopped asking for grandkids.

I had my doubts that I was even ready to take care of a child. It's a lot of responsibility.. and I'm a guy who couldn't keep up with his wallet until I chained it to my ass. Am I ready to be in charge of every aspect of somebody's existence? Well, I did babysit Jesse Perry for ten grueling months.. maybe I can handle it after all.

So, we conceived a child. If you're interested, the video of the event is up in the "members-only" area of the MangyDog Video Vault.

The first big milestone of the pregnancy was the twentieth week ultrasound. We went in to the doctor's office and the very first image we see of our child.. she was throwing up gang signs. Where did she get that from? Not me.. maybe the Mtv? Damn those punks with their ringy-blingy-bling and wacky piercings!

Then we're trying to determine the sex of the child and the angle of the shot on the monitor is a view of my baby laying spread eagle. Very disturbing. It was an uncomfortable moment, and to break the tension in the air I said, "I hope that's the last time Daddy sees THAT on video." The tech did not laugh. Much like you people, she did not find that amusing.

What the tech did do was take her mouse and use the pointer to show me the outline of my daughter's.. stuff. "Here's your daughter's vagina," she says. She continues to go over the outline of the organ with her pointer.. as if we missed it the first few times. She just wouldn't move on. Here's a tip: anytime you hear talk about somebody's daughter's vagina, there's an uncomfortable, increasingly angry father somewhere. I didn't know this, but it turns out talking about vaginas is offensive! Who would have known? So don't do it. Don't talk about vaginas in a public setting.

Now that we knew she would be a girl, naming the child was easier. My wife had her picks, but my suggestions were: Marilyn, Aria, Gemini.. nice names. The wife was all, "we are NOT naming our daughter after your favorite porn stars!" Isn't that rich? I could barely reply, "Ohhh, look who rode in on her Morality High Horse to pass judgment on all! I'm glad somebody was ready to step up and be better than everybody else. Where did this even come from? What happened to the girl I love? I don't even know you anymore! Who are you?!"

When I finished crying, somebody explained to me that we needed a birth plan. It's basically a rundown of how you want events to go once you're in the hospital. I suggested that once the umbilical cord was cut and tied off, I could grab the baby and run out of the hospital like Michael Jackson did. Nobody liked that idea.

"What do you want to do with the placenta?" they asked. Apparently some people keep it in a jar or plant it in the yard or even eat it! Yes, eat it. Some weirdos make stew out of it, but we were leaning toward burgers or omelets, maybe even tacos. I don't want to tell you how to live your life, but if you get a chance to get your hands on a good placenta.. indulge yourself a little. Mmmm, that's spicy afterbirth!

With our birth plan in place, we had to get the house ready for babies. We started stockpiling as many guns as possible to place throughout the house.. 'cause kids don't know how to share. You don't want them fighting over the firearms, that could get dangerous. Make sure you have enough for everybody.

You also have to have a nursery theme. Instead of Disney or WB junk, I decided our theme would be Jack Daniels. That way, we have a place for our empties and we don't have to buy overpriced plush toys or any crap like that. Once we set up our baby cage, the nursery was done and we were ready to have our baby.

[Next time: Chad's baby is born!]

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