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NOT Dr. Phil

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Compiled and written by Mangy Dog

Ever since Mangy Dog created the Dr. Phil Random Quote Generator, we have been deluged with letters praising us for our cleverness, our greatness, and our perfection.  Unfortunately, we have also been bombarded with letters from idiots with severe emotional problems.

"Letters Meant for Dr. Phil" is a new weekly column written by the Mangy staff, designed to showcase these idiots in a forum that is both mocking and mean-spirited.  Enjoy, and if you think that we're Dr. Phil, write us today!

Let's get started with the very first letter we received (NOTE:  All spelling and grammar left intact):

Dear Dr.Phil,
I am suffering from depression for a long time because of the difficult relationship with my husband. My son and my daughter also suffering and doctors give my daughter various medication. Actually she needs good atmosphere and good therapy. My son passed his degree in Actuarial Science and my daughter got 4As for her Alevels but they lack self confident and self esteem. I am an Asian and living in London. Is it possible for Dr.Phil to help us to come out of this mess? My son refused to apply for a job and my daughter is staying in her room all the time. I would appreciate it if you could help us. I am really desperate to get help.
Thanking you.
Yours sincerely,
K.
My ID is [e-mail address withheld out of pity]

 

NOT DR. PHIL SAYS:


DEAR K.,

From your letter, it is apparent that you've allowed your depression to seep into your spelling.  As a result, your family  has rejected you. You say that your son has refused to apply for a job.  Perhaps that could be that the field of Actuarial Science does not exist?  I've never heard of it.  I'm not smart, like Dr. Phil . . . who I'm not. 

Also, there's no way in hell Dr. Phil will pay to fly you from London.  Is there a Dr. Ian or a Dr. Crumpets there that can help you?  Cheerio!

Yours truly,
Not Dr. Phil

Just saw you on Jay Leno - He hasn't a clue what a GREAT person you are. Keep going - Your shows keep me going.!!!! I got a ticket for speeding and running a stop sign cuz I had to get home in time to watch your show! It was worth it!!!!! Thanks, Juanise (Your wife and son are cute as pie)

When this letter was received, Juanise was sent a reply, informing her that we were NOT Dr. Phil . . . We figured at the very least, we could make a new friend: 

Thanks . . . but I'm not Dr. Phil.  Go to www.MangyDog.com to find out more, and, um, thanks!
Jesse Perry
www.MangyDog.com

Juanise was kind and understanding, and sent us the following reply:

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN - JUANISE - I'LL HAVE THE POLICE AFTER YOU.

Gosh, dumbasses are TESTY . . . although they are cute as pie!!!!!!!! LOL ;) :) x) xoxoxoxoxo

One more letter for this week:

A friend of mine saw Dr. Phil's show recently when the topic was teen sex. She would like very much to purchase a tape of that show but doesn't know how to contact him. I'm using this means to do so. Can you help? Thanks! R.A.

 

NOT DR. PHIL SAYS:


Dear R.A.,
The above hastily-composed graphic should make it clear that we do not know Dr. Phil, nor are we a fan of him.  However, we do have several tapes of teen sex that we'd be happy to trade . . . do you have any elderly scat tapes, preferably something in the "Dumpin' Granny" series?

Your chum,
Not Dr. Phil

That's all from the mailbag this week . . . We'll be back next week, because people never learn!

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