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NOT Dr. Phil

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Compiled and written by Mangy Dog

Ever since Mangy Dog created the Dr. Phil Random Quote Generator, we have been deluged with letters praising us for our cleverness, our greatness, and our perfection.  Unfortunately, we have also been bombarded with letters from idiots with severe emotional problems.

"Letters Meant for Dr. Phil" is a weekly column written by the Mangy staff, designed to showcase these idiots in a forum that is both mocking and mean-spirited.  Enjoy, and if you think that we're Dr. Phil, write us today!

Let's get to this week's letter, and Sweet Lord, is it depressing!  As always, this is a letter we actually received, and all the crappy spelling and grammar has been left intact:

 Dear Dr.Phil
I am a single parent with three kids. I watched your show on february 10 2003 about valentine gifts, and I was touched. Dr Phil I was
touched because I have never receive a valentine gift ever in my life. When I was in a relationship I never receive any at all. I am a very private and shy person.I feel real bad.lying to my friends and family, telling them that I receive valentine gifts when I didnot
I did not want them to laugh at me , thats why I lied. I dont know what it feel like to receive a valentine gift. I am asking you to please email me back with some promising and comforting words so I could feel much better.Right now am feeling left
out. Valentine day is almost here.

                                                        Thank You
                                                         Princess
                                            email me at [email left out for the sake of decency]

 

NOT DR. PHIL SAYS:


DEAR PRINCESS,
Thank you for officially making this the most depressing Valentine's Day ever.  I feel compelled to mock you until we both cry, but I just can't.  All I can do is give you two tips:

1)  Read books.  Read books about English.  Read books that are happy.  Just fuckin' read, Princess.
and 2)  Obviously, your lack of social acceptance has not affected you from siring 3 children.  I recommend that you tell your kids to 1) read, and 2) do every single thing that you haven't done.

Thank you for making me cry and lose all hope in humanity,
Not Dr. Phil

P.S.  This isn't to you, this is to the readers:  Have you ever read anything that is sadder?  I defy you.  If you need me, I'll be in the fetal position, sobbing until I bleed.

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