DEAR LITTLE MISS EVERYTHING-SCARES-ME,

First of all, thank you for giving us wisdom . . . Now that we're not so ignorant, maybe we can finally be filled with fear, just like you are! We should have known that just because God invented jokes, deep down, he doesn't get them.

The reason that we use such devil-inspired iconography as part of our Dr. Phil parody is very simple: We are in consort with Satan. I mean, why else would we put numbers on a picture?

In fact, our relationship is so intimate, we were able to snag this exclusive interview just last week:

NDP: Hello, Satan.

Satan: Hello, Not.

NDP: First of all, Satan, thanks for talking with us, we know you're busy.

Satan: Hey, anything for my best clients. What would you like to know?

NDP: A reader is praying for our soul due to a picture we created in Photoshop. Is that rational?

Satan: It's as rational as anything else done in the name of religion.

(NDP and Satan share a hearty laugh.)

Satan: Oh, man, I love that one. You guys want some more virgin's blood?

NDP: No, but thank you for the offer, O Dark One. Our next question has to do with a big controversy right now . . .

Satan: (rolling his eyes) Oh, brother, I know where this is going . . . The Passion of the Christ?

(NDP nods.)

Satan: Well, my faithful servants, I have seen the movie, and I really have to applaud Mel Gibson's filmmaking. Visually, I rank it right up there with the best of Orson Welles, John Ford, and Akira Kurosawa. Oh, and the script was HILARIOUS. However, I was kind of hoping a big-name actor would play me.

NDP: Such as?

Satan: Well, if anybody knows me, it's gotta be Bobby Duvall. He's got me DOWN. I mean, have you seen "The Apostle"? That's all me up there, baby.

NDP: Wow!

Satan: Well, guys, I can't stay in human form for much longer, I still have to go to New York and persuade David Stern to renew the WNBA. You guys take care, and if you need me, just play your rock records!

NDP: Thanks, Satan!

(Satan flies off on his rocket sled.)

Pretty interesting guy, huh? Sure, he's pure evil, but the man knows a good joke . . . unlike every person that has ever written me.

Mephistophol-y Yours,
Not Dr. Phil