NOT DR. PHIL SAYS:


DEAR TAMMY,
After reading your email, it is astonishing to me that your offspring would be disinterested in getting an education. I mean, where could they be getting this piss-poor "adatued"?

From Webster's College Dictionary:

adatued - (ad' duh tood) v. 1. to have engaged in the act of adatuing. 2. Strange word, probably meaning "attitude," that was made up by a numbskull named Tammy.

First of all, Tammy, if you want to impress upon your child about the importance of school, I recommend you write him a letter. Hand deliver this letter to him, and make him read it right then and there. I think you'll be surprised at how quickly Tammy the Younger's eyes will fill with tears when he realizes that his mother is an illiterate bonehead. Then, tell your son that the letter is but a small glimpse into his future if he doesn't go to school. I bet that he will be so overcome with emotion that he will begin going to class and studying immediately, and, if he has a lick of sense, he'll run away.

If he wants to move out, let him . . . I assure you he's given it much thought.  Hell, he's been around you for 17 years . . . I've been writing this column for the last 17 minutes, and I'm about to punch myself in the eye just thinking about you.  Just relax, give the kid the break, and embrace his fear of your idiocy.  Then, treat yourself to something as a reward for your solid parenting, something fancy like a nice dinner at a classy restaurant, or a functional alphabet that you can show off to your knuckle-dragging friends the next time you're partying down at the dumpster fire.

Thank you for your letter, Tamstress . . . it's refreshing to know that the retarded aren't afraid to breed.

Thinking about you and crying in my drink,
Not Dr. Phil