NOT DR. PHIL SAYS:
DEAR ASTONISHINGLY MISERABLE STRANGER,
Sometimes, the hard part about writing this column is that you don't want to
make fun of people that have severe problems in their life. It seems
wrong to mock someone that is clearly going through such times in their
life, and to call them dumb or stupid would just seem like piling on.
Whew . . . good thing we don't have a soul!
MAN, this is the feel-good letter of the year, isn't it?
We here at the Mange haven't felt this bummed since
that chick that wrote on Valentine's Day. I will not mock your
poor fortune, nor will I mock your inept spelling, your allergy to grammar,
and your decision to tell your life story in one long, badly written
paragraph. Instead, I'd like to share with you an inspiring story of
hope.
One time, back when the Mange Foundation was savoring
their college years, a friend of the Mange was hanging out with us, watching
the World Cup and drinking Zima. Over the course of a few hours, said
friend drank 12 Zimas, and became severely retarded. He was so messed
up, he was crawling around on the floor, looking dazed and catatonic.
We would ask if he was okay, and he would blankly look up and say one thing:
"Bee-yotch."
He would then crawl around some more, while we laughed
heartily at his comatose antics. The thought of our friend dying from
alcohol poisoning never really entered our minds, although it probably
should have.
After a while, we settled into watching television, and
our almost-dead friend was out of our minds. After an hour or two, we
realized that we hadn't heard a peep from our friend for a while. We
looked all around the apartment . . . Since we had also been in the middle
of a rousing game of Three Man (the fun, drunken dice game!), we were all
bumping into walls and trying not to puke.
Finally, someone managed to find the bathroom door, and
opened it. After heartily vomiting in the sink, our intrepid friend
turned, only to see Zima Boy sitting buck naked in the bathtub, in a quarter
inch of water. When Sink Puker asked what Zima Boy was doing, Zima Boy
replied, "Takinbath." He then passed out.
The crazy thing? Zima Boy grew up to be none other
than "Dawson Creek's" own James Van Der Beek.
Is that story true? Kinda. But most
importantly, it made us all forget about that depressing-as-shit letter up
above, huh? Thanks, stranger, for lifting our spirits, and may you
always remember that we are absolutely, positively, in NO WAY associated
with Dr. Phil.
Forgetting my point,
Not Dr. Phil
