Well, well, well . . . Just when we thought the world had wisened up to our
jackassery, the world, um . . . de-wisens? We don't own a thesaurus.
Ever
since Mangy Dog created the Dr. Phil Random
Quote Generator, we have been deluged with letters praising us
for our cleverness, our greatness, and our perfection.
Unfortunately, we have also been bombarded with letters from idiots
with severe emotional problems.
"Letters Meant
for Dr. Phil" is a column written by the Mangy staff,
designed to showcase these idiots in a forum that is both mocking and
mean-spirited. Enjoy, and if you still think that we're Dr. Phil, write us today!
We've got three, count' em, THREE wonderfully odd,
mildly incoherent, all COMPLETELY REAL letters from actual readers. Let's
get to it:
COULD YOU GIVE ME INFORMATION ON THE SHOW
6-4-03 IN REGARDS TO OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER. ANY INFORMATION WOULD BE
VERY HELPFUL. DO YOU HAVE A TAPE OF YESTERDAY'S SHOW, IF SO HOW MUCH DOES IT
COST. THANKS BLW
NOT DR. PHIL SAYS:
DEAR BLW (pronounced "bluh-wuh"),
There are many things that I want to tell you, Bluh-Wuh, but the most
important thing that you should never forget is this: Turn off your
goddamn caps lock button. Seriously. As Internet communication
gets more and more annoying and grammar-retardant, the All-Caps-Lock Message
ranks right up there with "xoxoxoxoxoo:) ;)" and "SuXoRs" and "teh cool" as
Things You Should be Shot For Typing. Just for sending me that
message, Bluh-Wuh, it makes me hate you . . . and I'm not even Dr. Phil!
But I guess you knew that.
So, you've got a scorching case of the ol' OCD . . .
since I'm not a doctor, I like to call that disease "scratchin' and combin'."
The worst part about this disease is that sufferers are obsessive and
compulsive about all of the wrong things . . . They would rather measure the
fringe of the carpets or pick their scabs until their arms fall off, when in
reality they should be focusing on their writing skills and reading joke web
pages thoroughly to make sure that they don't represent a crappy C-list
celebrity from Texas.
Making sure everything is just so,
Not Dr. Phil
Now, on to the next gem:
Dr phil if this is your address could u email me back we had a tragity in
the family and need help
NOT DR. PHIL SAYS:
DEAR ANONYMOUS,
Unfortunately, I can't help in any way, shape or form.
However, I'm guessing that the "tragity" you suffered didn't involve college
or a book.
Your pithily mean pal,
Not Dr. Phil
And now, one final email from someone that's really deep:
If someone thinks one to be a fool, be careful of what is said once the
mouth opens and the thoughts flow out, because what is said may leave no doubt.
NOT DR. PHIL SAYS:
DEAR DEEPEST PHILOSOPHER ALIVE,
Whoa.
Dude.
Seriously, that just blew my mind. Why did you have
to blow my mind like that? It's like you know what's flowing out of my
mouth, like you totally peed in it or something.
Dude.
Whoa.
I mean, wow . . . you're like Confucius if he weren't
some gay Chinese dude. You're totally in my brain waves, making me
turn thoughts into words, and words into sounds, and these sounds are
totally tickling my ear bones and twisting up my brain-box.
The way that you rhymed "out" with "doubt", that
was great, and really hard, too, because "doubt" has a b in it.
How'd you get that b to be silent? I am totally whoa-ing out
right now.
Anyway, I gotta go finish up this bong hit and go
masturbate to my blacklight painting of Jerry, but seriously, anytime
you think up something deep and rhyme-y, SEND IT, DUDE! I can
put music to it, and we can start a band. I know a dude that
plays bongos. Do you like Phish?
Mind-blowingly Yours,
Not Dr. Phil
Is this the last Letter Meant for Dr. Phil? Who can
say? It seems that the only way that we can ever end this is if people
stop being stupid, and thankfully, that's never going to happen.
Stay sweet and have a neat summer, and keep ing the
rest of the Mange.
