DEAR LADY WITH A DRUNK SON,

As someone that has been known to "tie one on" or "imbibe spirits" or "drink alcohol until I get surly," I understand what you mean. Thankfully, since I'm not Dr. Phil, I can say anything about drinking. However, for once, I'm going to make a difference!

NOT DR. PHIL'S EIGHT HANDY STEPS TO SOBRIETY

8. One thing that I did, during the depths of my Mad-Dog-and-turpentine days, was I thought about the things that mattered to me. I often thought of booze. I think that's why I bought so much, so you shouldn't think about booze, unless it's beer or something, because living on beer is pretty much harmless. Oh, and rum and coke is tasty . . . so very sweet . . .

7. Screw more. Of course, most people can't get laid without alcohol, so you'll have to deal with that.

6. I'm a poet from the streets, so I was able to channel my love of rap and hip-hop into a positive creative force that allowed me to replace booze with a lot of pot, or "endo" as my homiez called it, yo. Of course, I still drank a lot of malt liquor, but I'd pour at least four to seven percent of it on the sidewalk in honor of people that died. This really helped my abs. The pot made me forget to binge-drink, too, so that's good.

5. Don't hang out in seedy bars, unless they have a great jukebox, or whores, or preferably just a bunch of alcohol.

4. If you feel bad after a night of drinking, go ahead and have a drink, like a Jack and Coke or something. Relax, dude, it's a long life . . . Live it up!

3. If you're a 48-year old drunk, leave your mommy at home, because you're not gonna hear the end of it, and that's a buzzkill.

2. Remember that drinking is more important than family and friends. Unless you're into gambling.

1. NEVER STOP DRINKING!

Pat, I hope this helps . . . At least you're reading this, and not being all selfish about your son. By the way, you sound like a bit of a fox, Pat . . . Care to go out for some drinks sometime?

Staggeringly Yours,
Not Dr. Phil