Enjoy the Dr. Phil Random Quote Generator
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Compiled and written by Mangy
Dog
Ever
since Mangy Dog created the
Dr. Phil Random
Quote Generator, we have been deluged with letters praising us
for our cleverness, our greatness, and our perfection.
Unfortunately, we have also been bombarded with letters from idiots
with severe emotional problems.
"Letters Meant
for Dr. Phil" is a column written by the Mangy staff,
designed to showcase these idiots in a forum that is both mocking and
mean-spirited. Enjoy, and if you still think that we're Dr. Phil,
write us today!
Ah yes, just when I thought people would learn,
and The
Seattle Times would resolve this mess once and for all, along comes more letters . . . This time, here's a batch of five, count 'em, FIVE, letters meant for America's favorite obnoxious bald guy not named Jesse Perry:
Yo Doc Phil,
I always dream you come out wit a lil' pill, dat could make a mon really believe his woman work 'em ova hard, leavin' 'em totally satisfied mon, but actually she do nuttin' honey! So I writes a song about it, an I tink it should be yah theme song. Dig? Hear it on my active playlist at http://www.broadjam.com/nader. It's called "I've Got My Phil" . Oh, an Doc, do feel free ta listen ta my utter multi-genre, uncut gems. Many Tanks Mon! *****NADES*****
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DEAR POT-SMOKER,
Hey Mon! HA, I'm like you! I'm just kidding, I'm not like you at all, and thank Ja for that! This song is a perfect tribute to Dr. Phil, because it sucks. If Dr. Phil gave half of a flying fart about you, I'm sure he'd say something to you like "Get Real, Mon! Dis song be betta than ganja!", then he'd move in with you and you could both live in a Jamaican shantytown, and you guys could make out. Of course, I'm NOT de real Docta Phil, Mon . . . So I just tink you a lil' dumbshit, Irie!
Rastafarianally Yours,
Not Dr. Phil P.S. Do you know Bob Marley? I like him because he's talented. No, Nader, don't cry! |
Jesus--how long did it take me to get here?
Todays show was so discusting I switched.Those parents needed to go to PARENTING SCHOOL, and you just rolled your eyes and didn't get to it.SHAME!!
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DEAR CRANKY TWAT,
I'm sorry it took so long for you to get here. Of course, you weren't talking to me, so I'll let Jesus talk:
Dear Precious Child,I apologize for delaying your journey for so long. I put up many obstacles in your path, so as to test you. You have passed the test with flying colors, and now you've sent an email to a total stranger because you actually thought it would matter. Your douchebaggery is the first step towards your salvation. You also get brownie points with God for not being able to spell.
Stay sweet, have a neat summer, and never change,
Jesus
Thanks, J.C.! I love that guy! Salvational Regards,
Not Dr. Phil |
Dear Dr. Phil,Oi watch yer show all the time and I don't think I have ever missed an episode. It is really good. My friend has a problem, he likes women but they keep using him and then abandoning him, where he then whines to me. What can I do to shut him up? Thanks in advance...
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DEAR CRAPPY FRIEND,
Ah, it's a burden, isn't it? Having to constantly hear whining from idiots? It's such a pain in the ass. It's like, you don't want to deal with it, but no matter what you do, you STILL have to deal with morons. Sure, you could tell your friend to please stop, or you could post a notice on your web site that you are NOT associated with Dr. Phil, but still, an endless stream of ignoramuses continue to haunt you. Believe me, I feel your pain.
Smarten up,
Not Dr. Phil |
I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO FOR AN ANSWER. YOUR "SHAPE UP BARS" WAS PUT IN OUR DOLLAR TREE STORE AND THEY SOLD LIKE HOT CAKES AND NOW THEY "THE MANAGER" TELLS US THEY WILL NOT BE GETTING THEM BACK IN THE STORE. WE NEED ALL THE HELP WE CAN GET WITH OUR WEIGHT LOSE, I WENT FROM 163 TO 140 POUNDS AND THE BARS WERE A GREAT HELP, IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN DO TO GET DOLLAR TREE TO PUT THEM IN THE STORE AGAIN. IT WAS A GREAT DEAL. FOR US NOT SO RICH THEY WERE GOING AT 3 FOR A DOLLAR, IN THE OTHER STORES THEY GO FOR $1.49 AND HIGHER SO IT WAS EASY TO STAY ON THE DIET WITH THE BARS HELP. WE REALLY MISS AND NEED THEM BACK. THANK YOU, [name withheld] FROM GRAND ISLAND, N.Y.
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DEAR CAPS LOCK ADDICT,
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN ONE TIME I WENT TO THE CIRCLE K SO I COULD GET SOME TWIX BARS BUT THEY DIDN'T HAVE TWIX BARS AND NOW I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO BECAUSE THE WORLD SCARES ME AND IF I USE MY BRAIN ILL EXPLODE AND DIE AND I DONT WANT TO DO THAT SO PLEASE THINK FOR ME BECAUSE I NEED CANDY BARS TO LOSE WEIGHT BLAHBLAHBLAH YOURE A GOOFBALL.
Sincerely,
Not Dr. Phil |
Dear Dr Plip, I am writng from the a town called LONDON in the United Kingdom. We live quite near HRH's Palace by the way. Anyway, I very much enjoyed your Christmas Creation show where you cornered the very sexy Brandon into going into a drug program. I was surprised that his main drug of choice was DF118's - had it have been something a little stronger, I'd have asked for his adddress at the Christmas Intervention Drug Centre. Oh well, better look next time. R.English xxx (Happy Year)
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DEAR LIMEY,
"Dr. Plip?" Is that one of those weird gay British things? "Cheerio, guv'nah, me plip's a right crikey, n' I'm gonna use the loo once ah'm done sweepin' this chimney! LIVERPOOL!" (silly British dance)
So, this LONDON you speak of . . . Frankly, I've never heard of it. It sounds made up.
British people are liars.
Churchill-y Yours,
Not Dr. Phil |
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