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Daredevil

Director/Writer: Mark Steven Johnson
Starring: Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, Colin Farrell, Michael Clarke Duncan, other people who should have known better and some who needed work

Ah, from acclaimed director Mark Steven -Ding-Dong” Johnson comes the tale of a blind man in a red leather muscle suit who kicks ass for justice, a leather chick, a snarling Irish twit, and a big scary black man named -Kingpin.” Oh, and a fatter, less interesting version of that guy from -Swingers” (Jon Favreau) and Joe Pantoliano in his now-trademark goofy hat.

What a bunch of crap. You know the best parts of this movie? The brief cameos by Kevin Smith and Stan Lee. And Stan Lee doesnêt even say anything. That should tell you something.

Yes, true believers, this steaming heap of dung from the writer of -Grumpy Old Men” and -Grumpier Old Men (in Tight Depends)” comes the big-screen adaptation of yet another A-list Marvel comic character. Normally, that can be a good thing. In this case, itês a big, murky, muddled mess.

Case in point: Affleck, who plays Matt Murdock, self-righteous lawyer by day and Daredevil by night, randomly enters into a love interest with Garner, who plays a character called -Electra Nachos.” Yeah, itês spelled Elektra Natchios in the credits, but pronounced -Electra Nachos” by everyone in the movie. Personally I think this was a stroke of genius. The whole time I watched this movie I kept craving movie snacks. Part of it was an effort to escape the sappy love story and dark ramblings, but why didnêt they just go with this snack theme?

The Kingpin of Coke. Bullseye Barbecue. A Chief of Police named Orville Redenbacher, and the reporter known as Jimmy Juju Bees. How about a trusty sidekick: Billy Twix. And the rest of the gang... Herb Butter, Sugar Daddy, Captain Red Hots, Ms. Nuclear Squirms, and of course, the nefarious Dr. Pepper.

"Let's all go to the lo-bby, let's all go to the lo-bby . . ."

Well, enough of that.

The basic problem with this dungheap is that, for a dungheap, it takes itself WAY too seriously. I understand the Writer/Director/Auteur -Twinkie” Johnson was trying to reflect dark themes and such... Note the elongated opening sequence wherein young Matt becomes a super-powered freak in a freak accident. Basically it involves some unspectacular acting by David Keith. And of course, daddy winds up dead at the hands of, you guessed it-- the bad guy. Ooooh, what a twist. Yeah, well, whatever. What came across was too little action, too much awkward loveyness, and WAY too much hemming and hawing about what is supposed to be -justice” in the world.

The best job in the entire movie is done by Farrell, whose scene-chewing -Bullseye” (after the sauce no doubt) is comically overdone like all comic book villains should be.

Thereês a second DVD with the movie that I just couldnêt bring myself to watch. Hereês a note to Mark -Raisinettes” Johnson: next time you want to imitate M. Night Shyamalan, have the balls to create your own materials. Donêt steal from the infinitely more creative Stan Lee.

Now Iêve got some kettle corn and Tropical Sprite (the EVIL Tropical Sprite) calling my name.

Rating: unpopped kernel