Well, it�s been a long year for the cinema. Subjected to tortures like Moulin Rouge and Joe Dirt, I find myself a little perplexed by the lineup this year. There�s also the little matter of fact that I haven�t seen a lot of these films this year. Chalk it up to "civic duty" (by which I mean my covert ops in a certain country that begins with A and ends in Stan).

At any rate, I�ll quickly give my 2 cents for this year�s Oscars. Not that I�m picking any winners; most of y�all will be reading this AFTER the Oscars. I�m just saying who I think deserves to win, and why.

BEST PICTURE

I can�t believe Moulin Rouge was in here. At least Baz wasn�t nominated for best Director (he said he felt snubbed; let�s all cry for him). Oh well, I�d say the most deserving would be In the Bedroom. But everybody knows it�s going to be A Beautiful Mind.

BEST DIRECTOR

But should Lord of the Rings actually win best pic, who can doubt Opie finally deserves to get his Oscar? Say what you will about cops, but his dad did a heckuva job as sheriff for YEARS . . . I mean honestly, does Lynch deserve it? Does Peter Jackson deserve it? Altman might, and lord knows Ridley might, but they�ve had their day (although Altman�s never won). Give it to Opie before he loses all his hair and Andy passes on!

BEST ACTOR

If Russell Crowe wins again I think we�ll all just have to rush out to L.A. and shove that gold statue right up his ass. Hey, Mr. "30 Odd Foot of Grunts" you are NOT J-Lo. You�re more like a poor-man�s Bruce Willis. Zing!

Again, it�s all about deserving with me. Denzel - can I get a witness? C�mon he�s a frickin� institution. Give it to him before Sidney Poitier runs naked across the stage carrying David Niven�s carcass. I know, it�d be cool if Will Smith got it. And it�d be cool if I won a million bucks too. Just like it�d be funny if Tom Wilkinson gets it. Ha!

BEST ACTRESS

Sissy Spacek. You gotta problem with that? What have I said about deserving? Sure it wasn�t REAL blood in Carrie, but we�re talking about another (albeit pale) film institution here!

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Pretty much all of these guys deserve to win, but McKellen�s portrayal of Gandalf gave a truly deep performance to a big piece of eye candy.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

As much as I�d like to score points with Ms. Tomei, or Ms. Winslet, or Ms. Mirren for that matter, I�m afraid I believe Ms. Connelly should win. Hell, I�ll even say she WILL win. She�s beautiful, smart, a helluva talent, and, you guessed it, she deserves it.

BEST SCREENPLAY (Original)

Uh, unless you were sleeping this past year you�ll have to agree that Memento should be a lock. Not that the Academy members might agree. But when�s the last time your mind was fucked so thoroughly?

BEST SCREENPLAY (Adapted)

Of so many adaptations it�s clear Lord of the Rings stands out as one of the best. C�mon, it deserves it.

BEST ANIMATED FILM

There was a lot of brouhaha about Linklater�s Waking Life not making the cut here. But, Earth to Jackasses: IT ISN�T ANIMATED! I know, it looks animated. But it ain�t. Oh, and Monsters, Inc. should win. ¥Nuff said.

BEST FOREIGN FILM

Quick pick: Amelie.

BEST MUSIC SCORE

Believe it or not, I think Harry Potter should get this one. Rarely is a kids� film score so damn catchy.

BEST MUSIC SONG

Wouldn�t we all like to see Sting get an Academy Award? Maybe he�ll be all hopped up on shrooms at the time!

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY

Those damn Eastern European Cinematographers! They do such good work. That said, Black Hawk Down is my pony here.

BEST ART DIRECTION

I�ll admit, Moulin Rouge deserves this. It was a sumptuous feast for the eyes. Just like a Big Mac with a box of Krispy Kreme!

BEST EDITING

Yes, it was mostly due to the script, but rarely does a film have such balls. Memento�s editor deserves the kudos for turning a quirky story into something more.

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS

I�ll have to say AI: Artificial Intelligence. Pearl Harbor will probably get it, but AI�s powerful message was driven home by the seamless effects.

OTHER STUFF

I�d look for Moulin Rouge to walk away with some more awards. The rest of the stuff I can�t really make a call on - when�s the last time you said "Now THAT is good sound editing"?