The MangyDog Roast of "Comedy Central's
Roast of Denis Leary"
By Jesse Perry and Chad Riden
{2003.08.10}
 A
Note: Before we watched the Denis Leary roast, we got drunk and
watched "Outlaw Comic: The Censoring of Bill Hicks," a documentary
on the genius that Leary stole his schtick from. So, there may be
some mild bias.
Before the show starts, there is a roast countdown hosted by Denis Leary himself. Huh?
 Well,
here's an interesting little tidbit.. Denis was promoting this
on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart last week and they were
talking about how Leary's production company produced the roast.
The butt of the jokes has complete editorial control
over the final edit of this program. Denis calls the shots. So, before even
watching this program I predict it will pioneer groundbreaking new ways to be
lame and disappointing.
Also, they refer to this as "Comedy Central's Roast of Denis Leary."
Notice that they never mention the New
York Friars Club. Not even once. Abbot Alan King was nowhere
to be found. I wonder why? Was it because they didn't want to give
complete control to or even be associated with Denis Leary? I'd like
to know. I've emailed the Friars club webmaster, but have not heard back yet.
9:00 - The show starts . . . Let's look at the all-star cast: Mario Cantone, Dr. Dre (not the rich one), Gilbert Gottfried . . . Oh, Conan, WHY?!?!?
Dane Cook, Conan O'Brien, Jon Stewart.. Thank God they got some funny people to be on the show.
By the way, according to IMDB, Denis is Conan O'Brien's cousin.. so that explains his participation. I don't know what everybody else's excuses are.
9:02 - It starts with our host, Jeff Garlin. He then introduces a video for Denis Leary, because as you know, roasts are designed for constant praise of the roastee. They're showing clips of Denis doing his faux-angry thing. Oh, listen to him cuss!
9:03 - In one of the clips Denis says, "Deep down, everybody's gay." Interesting. Not funny, mind you.. but an interesting look into the man, the myth, the hack.
9:04 - Leary comes out and flips off the crowd, because he's "edgy."
9:05 - Talking about the movie "Blow" (which blew), Jeff Garlin says, "Dennis likes to get his cock sucked." Really? How unique! Already, it seems like everybody at this "roast" is blowing Denis.
9:06 - Nick DiPaolo promptly comes up and roasts . . . Colin Quinn. Stick it to 'im! Now Dr. Dre and Ed Lover . . . Apparently, Denis Leary isn't an easy enough target. Are there any "Abe Vigoda is old" jokes coming up?
Denis is wearing sunglasses. If you're wearing sunglasses at night, you better either be blind or one of the Blues Brothers.
Nick DiPaolo asks, "Why'd you do this film?" and "Why'd you choose to be in that bomb?"
and "Why did you do those shitty movies?" 'Cause he's a whore? Wave a check in
front of him and he'll sell whatever you want: your crappy movie, your motor
oil, his soul..
9:10 - GOD BLESS CONAN O' BRIEN. Via video, he lauds Denis' "integrity," interspersed with clips of Leary's Quaker State Oil commercials. Beautiful.
Bravo, Mr. O'Brien. Bringing the funny like only you can. Conan closes with "Denis, here's to you. Thanks for keepin' it real." No, here's to you, Conan. (chug, chug, chug)
9:14 - Denis chews his gum with his mouth open. Sure, he's an asshole and a hack.. but that's not all.. no, no, no. Denis also has the manners of a retarded chimp.
9:14 - I gotta go have a cigarette.
9:16 - Adam Ferarra actually takes a few digs at Denis! Quaker State, drugs, anger, small penis, he's Irish, the smoking. This is unreal.. how long until we're back to singing his praises?
9:17 - Here we go: "The work you do with The Cam Neely Foundation.. Comics Come Home.. and your TIRELESS efforts with the Leary Firefighters Fund.. you.. yes! You're a noble, generous man of character." Ouch! That was a zinger!
9:18 - Joe Mantegna: "I've seen better acting in a Cambodian whorehouse. Now listen to what I'm telling you, you bloated alcoholic leprechaun... You have the balls to call yourself a comedian? Your material is more dated than Shannon Doherty's twat.." So far, all of the really funny people phoned it in.
9:18 - Back from the smoke, just in time to see Joe Mantegna via video. According to Chad, so far this is a Leary blowfest. I call the show "A Celebrity Toast of Denis Leary," just to indulge in
derisive, cynical wordplay.
9:20 - The first Quaker State oil commercial of the evening. Teach that Leary a lesson, you roastmasters!
9:21 - Bill Hicks mentions so far: zero.
9:22 - Here comes Colin Quinn. He points out that Denis is sitting with Keifer Sutherland and Elizabeth Hurley, as opposed to his comic buddies. He talks about Denis' smoking, missing his chance to point out Leary's thievery of Hicks. Quinn then mocks everybody else on the stage. Leary, as always, is unscathed. The ing cast of
The Sopranos remains in stitches.
9:26 - Colin Quinn: "Dr. Dre and Ed Lover. They were the original Yo! Mtv Raps guys." I'm losing my mind.. no, they were not! Fab Five Freddy. Dre and Ed weren't even celebrities at their peak ten years ago as mediocre
MTV VJs who brought us the lame and forgetable "Who's The Man."
9:27 - Christopher Walken looks like a moving, talking corpse.
A tape from Christopher Walken. I think he just woke up.
9:28 - Chad acts like a dick. Hate that guy.
What a crock. I guess a guy just can't get liquored up and be verbally abusive anymore without being labled something nasty. This world is bullshit! Mmm.. surely drinking more really fast will make it better. (chug, chug, chug)
9:32 - Denis' priest comes up. Get ready to laugh! I'm reminded of a Bill Hicks joke: "Any Catholics here? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not sorry that you have to be subjected to this material, I'm just sorry that you're Catholic." The priest has yet to tell a joke about Leary.
9:35 - Now, let's cut to the bone . . . In fact, let's show a video of Denis' dog, and overdub Gilbert Gottfried's voice! I've laughed harder while being murdered.
Gilbert Gottfried as Denis Leary's dog: the best role he's had in years. Gilbert's career eats shit, so I guess this isn't too big of a stretch for him. I loved this the first time I saw it.. when it was called Triumph the
Insult Comic Dog. (Hey look! I've hacked David Spade's style. Can I be a big star now, too?) C'mon.. somebody besides Jesse and me.. just mention Bill Hicks once.
9:39 - Gina Gershon comes out to sing a song. This song is apparently designed to showcase the vast comedic talents of Gina Gershon. Interesting sidenote: Gina's sister is Tracy Gershon, one of the judges on that reality show "Nashville Star." Chad and I worked with Tracy as part of The Skeleton Crew, this crappy, gay improv troupe that we did for a while. Who's the funnier Gershon? Jury's still out.
9:41 - Renee Russo is on tape, pretending to be live via satellite. Blah, blah, blah.. Holy crap! She stood up, exposing her naked crotch and had a fake dick. Apparently as a tribute and salute to Denis' act, Renee is trying really hard to be shocking and unfunny.
9:43 - Mario Cantone shows up, apparently to remind the crowd that he's gay.
Ahh, the gays.. will they ever have jokes?
My favorite moment on Last Comic Standing was when during the semi-finals there was yet another generic gay comic who only talked about how gay he was. John Witherspoon offered him some advice: "Tell some jokes." Yes! It's about time. We get it! You're gay.. that has been established. Now, be funny or go away.
Mario finishes up by saying "I love you, Denis" and kisses him on the lips. Dennis does not struggle. No joke here.. just pointing it out. I'm not here to judge, just to mock.
9:45 - I need another cigarette.
9:53 - Back from the smokes. Apparently, no progress on the "Denis, you're a fucking soulless hack" front.
9:57 - Dane Cook comes up, and kills . . . he tells one joke about Denis. Wait . . . okay, he mocks Denis' "No Cure for Cancer." No Hicks references, though.
10:01 - Christ, this is longer than an hour?!?
10:02 - Four millionth Quaker State commercial.
10:04 - I've seen the promos for the new Man Show with Doug Stanhope and Joe Rogan dozens of times, but they're still funnier than most of this show.
10:06 - I realize . . . I don't want to see a roast here, I want to see Denis Leary crucified . . . That's a terrible thing to think. So, seriously, how come the roasters aren't punching him?
10:07 - All of these comics freely profess their love to Denis. Just like a roast should be!
10:10 - They announce that Denis is about to respond to all of the evil roasters . . . So, basically, this whole crapathon was buildup to hear Denis do a 10-minute set. Joy. Maybe FINALLY he'll tear down the grand illusion known as Ed Lover.
10:13 - Here comes Denis! And he's cursing! And he is riffing on the pre-planned clips that are showing on the screen before him. Why? Because he's spontaneously brilliant!
Denis has several witty comebacks: "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, double fuck you." What a wordsmith he is!
10:15 - Denis then tells a story about Colin Quinn that shows that Quinn has more integrity in his pinky than Leary has in his entire body. Leary then mocks him for it, thanks to the pre-planned photos.
10:18 - Leary is making Chad chuckle. Hate that guy.
He told a story about Colin Quinn putting his dick in the mouth of people he doesn't like while they're on tv. Then he told a story about Mario Cantone saying "yeah, I'm creative too.. but I don't have cum in my hair." C'mon.. that's funny. I wonder who wrote that for him.
10:19 - From Leary's inferences, after this circle jerk, Mario Cantone will be the one eating the biscuit.
10:20 - Gotta smoke.
10:22 - . . . But before I do, Jim Breuer is out to sing "Asshole," the anthem that Leary wrote for himself . . . That'll cut 'im down to size!
The promos promised us they'd "rip him a new asshole" but aside from taped pieces from Conan and Joe Mantegna, this didn't happen. Hopefully, the Friars Club will do a real roast again and save the art form. I'm very disappointed. Then again, this is pretty much how I feel after seeing anything Denis produced.
Comment on this column in the Mangy Forum!
|
