Dating Should Be Against the Law
by an Karolyn Ellsworth Lewis

I think I have some insight into how an alcoholic feels when they leave sobriety behind and take that drink. I swore off bad dates and now I've fallen off the wagon. Bless me Father for I have sinned, yes Officer, I'm guilty of the crime; against my better judgment I went on another bad date. I didn't know it was going to be bad, however, I am guilty of not ending it early.

There is nothing wrong with this man, he's just not right for me. Sure he's a doctor, but I'm not impressed. Yes he possesses good manners, shouldn't everyone? It's true he's intelligent, but he didn't make me laugh. My friends think he is wonderful, and I'm sure he is, however there will definitely not be another date. He wore a tie to dinner, dwelled on the fact a bird had shit on his Lexus, suggested that at some point in the future he thinks he might convert to Catholicism, and thought we should go to a Braves game to actually watch the Braves. Somehow the conversation seemed like a result of calculated market research. Unfortunately Mr. Doctor is the victim of poor data. He didn't understand at all why a casual suggestion of changing religions, not denomination but religion, might seem a bit odd. Hello, that's like me saying I think I'll be Egyptian or Jewish or maybe even become Southern next week. Adopting a whole new cultural identity is a personal evolution and warrants much more than a casual comment over appetizers. The Braves game suggestion was the last straw. He doesn't even like the team. I would have a little more respect if for some insane reason he was passionate about the team, but he doesn't know anything about the organization. He just thought a game would be fun and doesn't understand that the only reason to make the trip to Turner Field is to cheer for the opponents, whoever they may be.

I don't think dating will ever be against the law. With that in mind, if this nightmare we call dating is going to continue, as a society I think we should adopt the following rules.

1. Women need to take 50% responsibility for all dates. That means half the time the woman should ask the guy out, plan the date, and pay. Mix and match the tasks as you will, you plan and he pays, you invite him and he chooses what you do, split the check, but get past the point of the guy being solely responsible for the date.

2. No dates unless you've known each other at least a year. The idea of spending a whole evening with someone you've just met is a set-up for failure. If you already know each other, and are already friends, the worst that can happen is that you both decide not to pursue anything more intimate. You will still be friends and the evening wasn't wasted.

3. If it is sex you want or need then no date is required. Exercise your options, random bar pick-ups, professionals, go solo, or develop a cadre of "friends you occasionally fuck" (FYOF) with.

4. Be committed to an early ending to bad dates. If you find yourself thinking you would rather be flossing your teeth, wondering if you need to buy vacuum cleaner bags, mentally preparing a grocery list, end the date.

5. Take money out of the equation. If the date is about getting to know each other, money isn't necessary. Keep it simple and inexpensive.

6. Do not go out on dates because you are bored or lonely. If you aren't really interested in getting to know the person, don't waste their time.

7. Be honest in your purpose. It should be OK to say I need a date for this fund-raiser I have to go to, for Thanksgiving at Aunt Wanda's, or because I'm looking for a wife. Just be honest and let the person know up front.

8. Don't go on a second date with someone you didn't like the first time around. Its OK if the date was a disaster but the person was a good match. The converse is not true. If the event was fun but the person was not, do not under any circumstances participate in a second date.

9. Listen to your friends and rely more heavily on your own instincts. You know who is right for you and whom you should stay away from.

10. Just relax.

So are there any women out there who want to go out with a nice doctor? He's really a nice guy, I swear. As for me, I'm quite happy to not have any dates planned for next week.