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HAPPY FOR APPETIZERS, Part 2 (EDITOR'S NOTE: Mark Anundson is hilarious. His website, Happy For Apathy, is filled to the brim with top-notch ha-ha's. He has been kind enough to grace Mangy with a new regular column, showcasing his fast-food expertise. Kick back, enjoy, and let us know what you think.) Cheap, Hot, and Delicious
(This has nothing to do with Paris Hilton) As the geeky guy with glasses in Barenaked Ladies once said, “I’m all about value,” and you know what? I’m all about value too. I believe with all of my heart that the greatest value in the world is the Wendy’s 99 Cent Super Value Menu. You can save so much money by ordering off the value menu that when you do have a heart attack paying for the hospital stay will be a piece of cake. (Oh man, wouldn’t that be cool if they had cake on the Super Value Menu?)  In
1988 Wendy’s introduced the Super Value Menu and changed the
world and, more importantly, changed my life. Back in the eighties, the
fast food wars were fought with the big gun sandwiches like the Big Mac
and the Whopper. From time to time McDonald’s would take the fast
food wars to new levels by offering the McRib Sandwich (Price and
participation may vary prices higher in Alaska and Hawaii). When the
McRib was being offered the competition became nothing more than a
glorified roadside restroom. I personally didn’t believe the hype
of a processed piece of pork parts drizzled in bland BBQ sauce but for
some reason the people of this country would flock to McDonald’s
when the McRib commercials aired.In order to gain some type of market share in the burger wars, Wendy’s went against conventional wisdom and decided to go with the quantity over quality approach. All across this great nation of ours people who were poor, hungry and apathetic towards a healthy diet and exercise lined up at the Wendy’s pick up window to get cheap eats. Wendy’s never said "Our burgers are better"; However, they did say they are cheaper and sometimes have bacon and sometimes a giant piece of lettuce that a family of rabbits could live off of for a month and sometime a huge slice of tomato with green seeds in it that isn’t even edible and sometimes I just don’t know how to end a run-on sentence. The key to Wendy’s Value Menu success is variety. The run of the mill fat guy consumer like me can get a couple of double stacks, fries, nuggets and a frosty for five bucks. My palate dances in its own saliva just thinking about the delicious goodness that order would bring to my rather large beer tummy and to my bankroll. On the opposite end of the spectrum the fancy soccer mom who only has a few minutes to eat (in between cheating on her husband and heading over to a junior league meeting) can scarf down one of two delicious salads and a baked potato for only two dollars and some change. I guess the picture I am trying to paint here is one of unity for all races, creeds, colors, sexual orientations and fast food lovers. Wendy’s does offer a little something for everyone. If you’re not a burger person you can roll with the Five Piece Nugget or the Crispy Chicken Sandwich. I think the Crispy Chicken Sandwich is a regional item, if you are not familiar with it picture the Five Piece Nugget as one giant nugget on a piece of bread with the giant lettuce, giant tomato and a glob of high fat delicious mayo. I would recommend spending the few extra cents to get a slice of cheese on this bad boy, top it off with some pickles and you’re golden!! Wendy’s value menu has been going strong for almost twenty years now. That is a long time considering McDonald’s dollar menu has only been around since 2002 and Burger King has never officially launched a nationwide cheap eats menu with any success. Sure the Big Bell Menu is out there but lets face it everything at Taco Bell tastes about the same and they have been know for cheap food since day one. I think the saddest thing any fast food chain has tried is the Arby’s five for $5.95. What if I don’t want five items? What if I want seven items? Crap now I have to order ten items and I don’t have the self-control or discipline to only eat the seven I want. Thanks a lot Arby’s and your horrible Jomocha Shake and your fake tasting roast beef and your stupid red outline hat that hangs over people’s head and your potato cakes that taste like iron lung paint and your stupid curly fries that make me write run-on sentences.  I hope you, The Reader, can see how objective I have been in my assessment of the Wendy’s Super Value Menu. I looked at all of the facts and figures and it all points to Wendy’s being the greatest of all for good cheap food. I know some of you are going to throw Krystal burgers up in my face and that is fine if you want to have the worst farts in the world for the next three days; as for me and my colon, we’re sticking with Wendy’s. I didn’t even have time in this article to go into detail about how you should never order a frosty and chili at the same time. Seriously don’t do it!!! Trust me worlds will collide!! universes will implode!! people will be injured!!! If you want to be just like old Manundso, next time you go to Wendy’s, order two double stacks with mayonnaise, pickles and cheese, a 99 Cent order of fries and a 99 Cent Frosty. Also if you order at the pick up window be sure to tell them you have a smart card and you will save 10% on your entire order. Don’t worry if you don’t have a smart card they never ask and if they do just smile and say I forgot it. They aren’t going to take the time to cancel your order and ring it up again. Oh and if they do cancel your order and start ringing it up again say, "Oh look I found my smart card" and then give them the finger and drive to another Wendy’s. |
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