Mangy Dog

Last weekend, my wife went on her yearly trip with her friends to the Smoky Mountains, allowing me the rare opportunity to enjoy television that didn’t involve sassy witches or boy wizards. As I was flipping around, I saw the Black-Eyed Peas doing a commercial for DirecTV, featuring their latest aural coma, a bland piece of pop slop entitled “Meet Me Halfway.” This immediately reminded me of Kenny Loggins’ dynamite pop single of the same name, which was featured prominently as the love theme from the timeless Sylvester Stallone film Over The Top, which remains one of the ten best arm-wrestling truck driver films of all time. In a matter of  seconds, the Loggins song was lodged in my brain. The same couplet echoed over and over:

Meet me halfway
Across the sky

I question the logic behind comparing undying love to an air-show disaster, but who am I to question The Log?

For the next several hours, that damn song played on a subconsious loop as mental images of a crooning Kenny intermingled with visions of a roided-up Stallone wearing a trucker hat. After briefly contemplating suicide, I knew that the only way to get the song out of my head was to listen to it once all the way through. So, I went to Youtube, and the first thing I found was this fan-made video of the lyrics, edited with what would appear to be Windows Movie Maker:

I’m especially fond of the font change during the chorus.

Once the song was out of my head, I rewatched the video for a laugh. Who would set aside the time to create this clip? Who said, “This song must be heard, but there must also be an accompanying photo!” And what the hell is that weird typed monologue on love during the guitar solo? “Love is a language that two people can speak and only the two of them understand“? As a lifelong resident of Tennessee, I’m pretty sure you can make the same statement about proper English.

I wasn’t the only one left in awe by the video. The comments thread is filled with amazing insights like these:

I’m CRYING, reminds me of my BELOVED MAMA ANGELES… I Love You ‘Ma’… You’re always in my heart… ERWIN

goddamn one of the greatest guitar solos i’ve ever heard

I was in Baguio and met a guy that made me crazy!!Where are you now Rommy?

I dedicate this song to my beautiful Sabrena, the love of my life, FOREVER IN LOVE WITH YOU SABRENA, I LOVE YOU!! (Two notes about this comment: 1) This is the Internet version of spraying your declaration of love on the local water tower; and 2) The username was under “SexySabrena.” May Sabrena find the love she’s looking for with herself.)

I wish there were songs like this… (Someday, my friend, you will hear the song that you just listened to.)

I love to listen to Kenny’s songs.He has a wonderful voice!!! Before Kenny’s mom passed away, she used to go to the same church that my grandmother went to.My grandmother got to meet Kenny, I sure wish I could.

Now, this comment by itself isn’t that crazy, but I think the reply underneath is a moving retort:

dont lie nigga

Ha, you said it “sk8ercaca”! However, Mr. Caca was not to be outdone:

Sk8er, you’re a dungfunnel!

Anonymous hilarity aside, there was one comment exchange that, I think, got to the inner workings, the metaphysicality if you will, of Loggins’ masterwork:

We did not come from apes. This Is a lie from satan. So tell me god hater & atheist. Where did we all come from. And I don’t believe In the big bang thing either.

Don’t worry to much satan as you say make 7 billion dollars a month plus benefits. So probably he don’t need us as we think.

what are apes???

I then set my laptop down, and cried.