Mangy Dog

Jesse Perry tells jokes inside various structures, from buildings to tunnels to mud huts.  To find out where Jesse will be appearing next, drop him a line on Facebook.

I don’t have any Michael Jackson jokes.  Moving on . . .

I realized something the other day:  Being handed a piece of gum without prompting will make me obsess over my breath for about an hour.  I realized something else that same day:  Being handed another piece of gum without prompting by the same person makes me want to gargle rubbing alcohol & set my mouth on fire.  A note to all:  If I have doo-doo mouth, just tell me.

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I wrote a thing for FoodNetworkHumor.com recently.  My family was quite proud.  I made zero dollars.

I’m quite the Food Network junkie.  I’m also a blobby tub of goo.  Coincidence?  Probably not.  My least favorite Food Network chef-- er, cook — er, pretty talker is Sandra Lee, whose gift seems to be going to the store, buying some pre-packaged foods, then stacking them.  She does this on television for lots of money.  Since I’m a bitter, petty man, I wrote some haikus in her honor:

Sandra Lee has a
cooking show. Yet she rarely
cooks. Fascinating.

Is putting stuff in
a pile really cooking?  If
so, Sandra’s gourmet.

Can you put canned food
into symmetrical stacks?
Food Network’s hiring.

Sandra Lee sticks to
nutritional food like
Kool Whip and Kool-Aid.

Sandra Lee is the
only chef whose recipes
call For Fruit Roll-Ups.

Thanks to Sandra Lee
I’m drunk on bacon-tinis
What the hell happened?

Sandra Lee can make
Everything a “tini”.
Could Spam be next?

Hey, call me crazy
But what kind of renowned “chef”
Promotes KFC?

Colonel Sanders will
serve in the military
before she learns food.

I think Sandra Lee
should sell merchandise that says
“Up Yours, Good Cooking”

Tablescapes are proof
That confetti and glitter
Can improve a meal.

“The Last Supper” could
have used some papier mache
to make it more fun.

Sandra Lee once judged
On “Next Food Network Star.” It
seems Giada hates her.

Sandra taught me
That fake food is food, too; pass
the Pez and Cheez Whiz.

If you’re lazy and
hate food, Sandra Lee’s Semi-
Homemade Cooking rocks!

She’s never gonna read that, but . . . TAKE THAT, LADY!

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If you’ve visited the site for several years (and if you have, you’re probably me), then you may notice that we’ve been adding new features and media and other doohickeys that make the site better.  Along with subscribing to iTunes, we’ve also signed up to Twitter.  Twitter is the next evolution in “I swear that I’m interesting and special” technology.  At the push of a button, thousands of people can be alerted to the fact that you’re tired, or that you just finished dinner.  AMAZING!

However, I have a major beef with Twitter . . . It’s not enough to know that people are reading a book on the couch, we need to SEE it.  That’s why I’ve invented a new technology called Twidjer, allowing for up-to-the-minute videos showcasing minutae to the masses.  Each Twidjer will give the sender 15 seconds to get the most important things of their lives off their chest, and broadcast their message out to dozens of uncaring spambots.

Thanks to Twidjer, you can post things like this:

Or this:

Or even this:

It’s just that easy!  So send me two billion dollars, and let’s get this stupid crap started!