Another year has gone by, and I think we can all agree that, for the most part, 2001 was a steaming frothy bowl of suck. However, there's always the promise that a new year brings, and with that in mind, here are my resolutions for 2002!

I resolve to:

- Do more to promote local comedy, especially myself (Which reminds me: If you live in the Nashville area, pick up a copy of the Nashville Rage . . . a list that I made for them is featured. If you don't live in Sequinland, go to www.nashvillerage.com. Also, check out me and Chad with the Skeleton Crew at the Sutler throughout the month of January. For more info, go to www.nashvillestandup.com, or check out the Crew's site at http://go.to/skeletoncrew. Now, where was I?

- Stop being so damn long-winded.

- Find a cure for Creed.

- Prove that Oprah is the Devil.

- Less binging, more purging.

- Stop selling the neighbors' pets.

- Start selling the neighbors' cars.

- Pretend to care when other people speak.

- Do my part to help speed up Beth Donahue's slow, pathetic slide off the face of the earth.

- Prove that Rosie suckles on the Devil's Teat . . . the Devil, of course, being Oprah.

- Shellack a virgin.

- Ask Congress to change "Down Syndrome" to "Up Syndrome" in order to make the little 'tards feel better about themselves.

- Start making fun of George W. again as soon as this whole war business is cleared up, only with a little less profanity.

- Prove that Kathie Lee suckles on the Devil's Teatsucker's Clit . . . the Devil's Teatsucker, of course, being Rosie . . . and the Devil, of course, being Oprah.

This is the MangyDog, over and out.