First off, buy some shirts. Now let's continue.

In 1990, Spencer Christian of "Good Morning America" came to my hometown of Clinton, Tennessee. He was doing a live remote feed from the Twins Cafe, owned by the late Lassie B. Disney and her twin sister, Hassie Seivers. "Hassie and Lassie" had become legendary over the years, even appearing on The Tonight Show way back when it was funny. As the 90s dawned, Hassie and Lassie were ready to close down the cafe . . . they had run the restaurant since 1953, and they had earned the right to take a break. Mr. Christian was there to see them off, and give them one last ride into glory before they closed up shop.

I'll never forget watching the scene on TV . . . there was "Good Morning America," in my little ol' town (pop. 9,188), singing the praises of Clinton to the entire world! It was really exciting, and the restaurant was filled with proud Clintonians, subtly inching their way into camera range.

As the segment was winding down, Spencer was wrapping things up, and it was time for the grand finale: a sampling of Hassie n' Lassie's legendary, scrum-diddly-umptious biscuits. The twins came over and handed Spencer a plate with their homemade delights, and Mr. Christian smiled, picked up a biscuit, and bit into it eagerly. The townspeople stared at him, eager for his reaction.

"Hm," said Spencer, "A little dry, but not bad. Now, let's go to the weather . . ."

A LITTLE DRY, BUT NOT BAD?!?!? HUH?!?! Has any national weatherman ever dissed somebody's food like that on the national stage before? You're a weatherman, you GOOF! It's your job to grin and bear it and say, "that's great," no matter how awful it is. That moment has stuck in my mind all these many years, and to me, it stands as a perfect symbol of how my hometown, Clinton, Tennessee, has gotten the shaft over the years.

Every time that Clinton has been on the national stage, it seems that things just haven't worked out like we hoped. The first time people heard about us was in 1956, when tanks were brought in to quell racial demonstrations. Ultimately, the tensions reached the boiling point, and in a fit of pique, we blew up our own high school in order to prevent integration. Yep, we blew it up. They never found out exactly who blew it up, or even if the person was from Clinton (in fact, out-of-towners were always suspected), but the stigma remained: we were the town that blew up our own school.

Flash forward to 1991. Charles McRae, a proud Clinton native, was picked 7th in the NFL draft after a successful career at the University of Tennessee, and once again, Clinton had a native son it could be proud of. How did his career turn out? Well, check out these quotes:

- Don Banks, NFL Insider, CNNSI.com, April 22, 2001 - "Once upon a time, every high-round move made by the Tampa Bay Bucs seemed to turn to dust. Broderick Thomas, Keith McCants, Charles McRae, you name it."

- Gary Shelton, St Petersburg Times, January 7, 2002, describing a meaningless football game at the end of the NFL season - "Not to say it was bad football but I think Charles McRae was in there at the end."

Ouch.

Then there was the heartbreak of 1992, when the Clinton High School Dragons, MY team, in MY senior year, went undefeated and went to the state championship game . . . only to lose to those bastards in Gallatin. So close, so DAMN CLOSE . . .

Clinton's always getting screwed. Hell, the setup of our county seems to mock us . . . we are in the same county as Oak Ridge, TN, home of the Manhattan Project, where the atomic bomb was built. However, Clinton is the county seat of Anderson County. So, essentially, Oak Ridge gets all the glory (damn Wildcats, I hate 'em), while all of their criminals come to Clinton to get booked. Ain't that a kick in the head?

Well, there's some things I would like you to know about my hometown, some things that are never discussed that deserve to be, and I will discuss them now in list form . . . enjoy:

1) The best friends I ever made are all from Clinton. Good people, every damn one of them. They are loyal, funny as holy hell, and above all else, they are good people. It is an honor to call them my friends.

2) It's been a while since I've been back there, but man, there were some babes in Clinton. OW! A good-lookin' town, through and through.

3) Nothing beats a summer night in Clinton . . . especially when you have a car and a girlfriend. Hang out down by the Clinch River, kick back, and relax. Good stuff.

4) In spite of the '58 bombing, Clinton was the first public school in Tennessee to racially integrate.

5) According to The Oak Ridger newspaper, When Hassie and Lassie appeared on "The Tonight Show," ". . .(Johnny) Carson was said to have been so amused by the two that he canceled one of the scheduled acts that night to allow more time for them." If anyone knows the true nature of people, it's Johnny Carson. And I bet Johnny didn't bitch because their biscuits were too dry.

These are just a handful of cool things about my hometown . . . I'm running a little long in the tooth, and it's getting late, so I'm gonna wrap this up. I invite you to visit Clinton sometime, soak in the wonderful air, and become inspired by its natural beauty. Then, drive over to Oak Ridge, and egg some of their businesses. GO DRAGONS!

This is the MangyDog, over and out.