Oscar's Oscar picks column got me to thinking about the upcoming awards. People are getting into a frenzy about who will win what and how they'll look doing it. Not me. I've kinda lost interest in the Oscars. It's not that I don't love movies, it's that I DO love movies, and the movies that I love will always get the shaft come Oscar time. The Hollywood Cheese Factory just doesn't interest me anymore. There's only so many farting cartoon animals one man can see in his lifetime. My favorite movies last year were "Memento," "The Man Who Wasn't There," and "The Lord of the Rings." Only one of those got nominated for a Best Picture Oscar, so really, how much do the Oscars represent my taste?

However, that doesn't mean that I don't know how to get an Oscar. Getting an Oscar is actually a pretty easy thing. Here now are 5 simple techniques that any actor can do to ensure themselves of having their name read aloud come Oscar time:

1) Be retarded. There is no more surefire way to get that coveted gold then by acting like a dopey man-child. The voters cream themselves for people with diminished mental capacity, which pretty much explains Hollywood, doesn't it? The Academy is a guilty bunch, so whenever somebody portrays a character that the voters would have removed from their estate, they immediately vote for it. The quality of the movie doesn't matter . . . all ya gotta do is stumble around, all the while avoiding eye contact and constantly apologizing, in between bouts of choking on your own tongue, and BOOM! You've got the gold. From "Rain Man" to "My Left Foot" to "Forrest Gump" to "Nell" to this year's tard-a-thon, "I Am Sam," acting like an idiot guarantees at least a nomination.

2) Portray an actual person. This is second only to being a tard. Again, the quality of the role doesn't really matter . . . Jon Voight was nominated this year for basically doing an impression of Howard Cosell, doing what lame gigolos did at parties in the 80s. ("And here . . . comes . . . the dip! And DOWN goes the chip! DOWN goes the chip!" etc.) If you can be an actual person AND retarded, like Daniel Day-Lewis in "My Left Foot," fuggedaboutit.

3) Die. Dying can often be the final criteria for many voters, because dying allows the actor or actress to do a "Death Scene." You can't go wrong with a "Death Scene." Every Death Scene is basically summed up thusly: "Internal organs . . . ravaged . . . suddenly . . . I've learned to love! GACK!" End of scene, beginning of Oscar buzz.

4) Be Dame Judi Dench. Judi Dench is the current darling of Oscar voters . . . it seems like she's nominated every year for SOMETHING. They could release a movie called "Judi Dench Farts in a Hot Tub," and she'd be nominated. She has that certain quality that the Academy geezers love. She's old, she's British, she's from the "thee-uh-tah." Voting for Judi Dench provides voters with the proof to their insecure little minds they they are indeed "cultured," and that what they do is "art." Judi Dench . . . what a Dame!

5) MMM . . . Scenery. If you're stuck with a role that you're unsure of how to portray, here's some advice: SCREAM YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF. It doesn't matter who else is in the scene, it's YOUR role, it's YOUR movie, and by gum, YOU are gonna get that little hood ornament come hell or high water. Case in point: Al Pacino in "Scent of a Woman." It was this film that Al Pacino decided to himself, "Screw nuance." And boy did it pay off, HOO-AH! In every scene in that movie, you just keep waiting for him to yell, and BOY does he yell. It's basically the same as his role in "Scarface" without that crappy Cuban accent. Since then, Pacino has basically screamed and galumphed through everything he's been in, with the exception of "Carlito's Way," which I thought was a criminally underrated film (the film also featured a performance by Sean Penn that was a helluva lot more interesting and challenging than "I Am Sam," but it wasn't retarded, so what can ya do?).

Ah yes, by just meeting ONE of these criteria in your roles, you too can call yourself an Academy-Award winning actor. Who knows? With a little luck, and a lot of hard work, you could be the next F. Murray Abraham! Wouldn't that be keen? HOO-AH!

This is the MangyDog, over and out.