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Well, I was going to continue on with the story I started last week, but I changed my mind, mainly because I think it really sucks. If you would like to see it continued, drop me a line and let me know. But you might want to read it again before you make any rash decisions.

Well, I¹m off to Kentucky this week with my "real job" for a week of sun n¹ fun . . . well, not really, more like work n¹ jerks, but hey, it¹s a living . . . I will try and write some more during the week, but for now, I give you . . .

5 STEPS TO SAVING MUSIC

I live in Nashville, TN, which used to be the home of country music. Now, it¹s the home of numerous mini-Celine Dions with twangs, Michael Boltons in 10-gallon hats. In other words, country music today is a heaping, frothy bowl of suck.

There¹s an article in today¹s Tennessean about how Nashville music execs are looking for Texas for some new sounds in country music. There¹s also an article in there about how Middle Tennessee is rapidly becoming a huge mall, with farmland being replaced by subdivisions and countless Applebee¹s.

There is no doubt in my mind that these two things are related. The best music has always been born of struggle and loss, whether it¹s the pained alcoholic twang of Hank Williams, or the pained alcoholic twang of Keith Richards, or the pained alcoholic twang of Iggy Pop, or the pained alcoholic twang of . . . well, you get the idea. How much struggle and loss can you feel at the Gap?

So, with that in mind, I¹d like to offer these tips on how to save music . . . these rules can apply to any genre, from country to pop to thrashabilly.

Step One - Savor the Recession. We are entering dire times in terms of the economy, and a lot of it is consumer-motivated . . . we¹ve been so prosperous for so long, we feel guilty, and the election of Dubya has provided us with the perfect reason to feel gloom n¹ doom again. I say, GREAT! Keep that cursed feeling going . . . if we are plummeting to a recession, terrific! Let it happen! Dark economic times are GREAT for music. Remember, the last recession produced Nirvana. The Sex Pistols were borne of England¹s financial crises. And pretty much EVERY great country and blues artist started out (and often stayed) piss poor. Ah yes, keep the paranoia alive, America, and soon blues-based rock and country music will return, I guarantee it.

Step 2 - Drink more. Some people are too happy for their own good, or they don¹t want to think too much. Alcohol is a great cure for both. Ah yes, a few glasses of liquid courage can make you say incoherent things that were tucked away somewhere in the back of your mind, and who knows if you mean them? No matter, whatever you mumble is direct, powerful, and sure to provoke, something sorely lacking in music nowadays. And who hasn¹t thought themselves into a crying fit while under the influence of demon brew? Throw in a hint of depression, and alcohol is a great tonic for making music. Plus, it¹ll give many talented people the balls to stagger on stage, and how else are you gonna get your message across? DRINK UP, AMERICA!

Step 3 - Experiment with heroin. This is for more advanced musicians. Once your career is hitting full stride, and you are savoring the world in your alcohol-induced stupor, you might end up just doing songs about the struggles of the road (ZZZZ . . .), or how tough it is to get laid constantly. With heroin, you don¹t have to worry about that. Ah yes, shoot a little black tar into your veins, and regardless of your station in life, you¹re damn near guaranteed to lose your mind, which in turn will lead to some truly fascinating albums. I assure you, once Britney Spears¹ career slides, and she¹s on the smack, THAT¹S when I¹ll buy one of her records. Just don¹t do too much, or it¹ll REALLY suck . . . Have you ever listened to John Frusciante¹s solo album after he left the Red Hot Chili Peppers the first time? WOOF.

Step 4 - Listen to P-Funk, Sly and the Family Stone, and "Sex Packets" by Digital Underground constantly. Hey, your music can¹t be too depressing, it still has to make people move to be effective.

Step 5 - Change gurus early and often. The great musicians changed their minds a lot . . . look at John Lennon, he went from street tough to moptop to Maharishi¹s bitch to strict Yokoist. This constant inability to grasp your own mindset has led to some terrific music. Whatever you do, young musician, STAY UNSTABLE!

And that¹s all . . . Say what you will, but I guaran-damn-tee you the next changing force in music will be born of at least 3 of these 5 things. Who knows? Maybe it¹ll be me . . . now, if you¹ll excuse me, I¹m gonna go shoot up and become a Presbyterian.

This is the MangyDog, over and out.

THE HOME ROADIE RETURNS! Speaking of good music.. MangyDog Productions is proud to present a long lost audio recording of a demo by The Home Roadie and his old band Stinkpistol. (Surely you remember The Home Roadie from the clip in the Video Vault.. right?) It's a song called "You Have No Pass, Sir". If you listen closely, you can hear one of his fellow band members, Nigel Hillary, in the background. This was actually their last song, and the band actually breaks up towards the end of the track. Check it out, and keep coming back for more Mangy strangeness!

The Home Roadie & Stinkpistol: "You Have No Pass, Sir" Streaming RealMedia Windows MediaPlayer