The open mic at Zanies last night went quite well . . . a good, ive crowd, and Chad and I both did quite well. The next open mic there is going to be the first Tuesday of next month. Keep coming to Mangy throughout the month, as we plan on giving away FREE tickets to some lucky Mangy lover for the next show. Whoopee! In the meantime, if you're craving comedy and you're within 6,000 miles of Nashville, I invite you to come on down to the Cantina every Tuesday night . . . go to nashvillestandup.com for all the info.

Also, we are still looking for submissions to our Overrated List . . . I myself forgot to include the gay crapfest known as "Will & Grace," which would be a better comedy if it were funny. See, it's funny because they're gay, and, ha, that one's drunk! HA, ha . . . ahem. I have friends that absolutely love this show. At least, they were my friends until they said they enjoyed "Will &" fucking "Grace."

Let's see, let's see, what on Earth can ol' Jess make fun of today? Clarksville, Tennessee? Nah, too easy . . . besides, I have a whole column for that coming up. Sick kids? Nah, it's been done . . . by me . . . a LOT.

The impending apocalypse? Yeah, let's go with that.

If you're willing to watch news about a bunch o' damn foreigners, with all their funny talkin', then you'll know that the Holy Land is melting down as we speak. Ain't that a kick in the dick? I just want to enjoy this cheeseburger, but everytime I look up in between bites, the world gets closer to ending. No sir, I don't like it.

As I type this, the Arabs and the Jews both have their dicks out, and are waving them wildly to and fro as they love to do this time of year (ah, spring), as this year's Pissing Contest is in full earnest. Missles are flying, tanks are on the move, and thousands of phlegmy syllables are being uttered. The Middle East hasn't seen this kind of bloodshed and chaos since, well, every single fucking day for the past five thousand years.

I know what you're thinking: "Jesse, could you help solve the world's problems?" Sure! My solution is quite simple. The way I see it, there is only one man that can bring these two sides to the bargaining table, one man that can get these sides to settle their differences once and for all, ONE GREAT MAN that will get both of these sides to either put up or shut up.

Therefore, it is with pride that I announce:

Is this silly? Well, it can't be as silly as killing somebody so you can have bragging rights to a chunk o' desert. Put your cocks back in your pants, my Middle Eastern brothers! The world needs your warm bagels and delicious falafel!

This is the MangyDog, over and out.