Ah yes, it is Wednesday, and I'm not going to Clarksville . . . nope, I've decided to tell jokes in front of an actual audience, so here's a brand-new column just for you!

There are several unassailable truths in this world, facts that cannot be disputed, such as these:

1. Whoever opens the first Hooters in Clarksville will be voted Mayor there within a year;
2. Any time a radio station plays a Golden Earring "rock block," the songs they play will ALWAYS be "Radar Love" and "Twilight Zone", NO EXCEPTIONS;
3. John Travolta is one weird dude.

John Travolta has probably had the most bizarre movie career of anyone, ever. He has appeared in some of the most dumb-founding movies ever conceived. It almost seems that for stretches at a time, he suddenly becomes retarded. For example:

• "Saturday Night Fever," in which he was the living embodiment of disco;
• "Moment by Moment," in which he has a torrid affair with Lily Tomlin. LILY TOMLIN?!?;
• "Staying Alive," the sequel to "Saturday Night Fever," in which he was the only non-gay male dancer on Broadway;
• "Perfect," in which he was an investigative reporter trying to uncover the awful truth behind health clubs (and what would that be, exactly? That they make people sweaty and stinky?)
• "The Experts," in which he is recruited to teach KGB agents how to be cool;
• "Look Who's Talking," in which our intrepid hero is upstaged by a talking baby and its many poops (I guess he could be viewed as the Adam Arkin of his time);
• "Michael," in which he played a fat, drunk, wise-cracking angel;
• "Battlefield Earth," a film that Travolta made apparently because his agent wouldn't allow him to actually fellate L. Ron Hubbard on screen

Ah yes, the Scientology. We can't leave that out, can we? Man, I don't know what Travolta did, but the Scientologists have got this guy by the sac, and they ain't lettin' go, baby! Although, I guess if you're willing to be in "Moment by Moment," then you can probably be easily duped by a cult.

Travolta's Scientology involvement is truly breathtaking. For example, did you know that a scant few years ago, 1995 to be exact, Travolta sang on "The Road to Freedom," a fascinating musical document showcasing the music and lyrics of L. Ron Hubbard. I know what you're saying: "But Jesse, does the CD feature Travolta singing a duet with Leif Garrett and Frank Stallone?" Why, it sure does, and you can here to hear it. It is truly awe-inspiring.

According to Internet Movie Database, Travolta is a high-ranking member of the Scientology movement. In fact, he "is a New Operating Thetan Level Eight." I'm not sure what that means, but I think it's New Agey Lunatic-speak for "Big Cheese."

Other celebrities ranging from actual celebrities like Tom Cruise to former celebrities like Kirstie Alley to soon-to-be former celebrities like Jenna Elfman have all been involved with Scientology. However, Travolta's involvement is pretty astonishing. I mean, Jesus, the guy's a New Operating Thetan Level Eight! Plus, the rumors about Travolta and his involvement are the best as well, like his purported gay marriage that the Spaceheads nixed.

Are the charges true? Hell, I dunno. Even if they are, I don't really care. My point is, this kind of weird, bizarre stuff can only happen to John Travolta. He is a magnet for weird crap, both on-screen and off. And for that, I am pleased to announce that John Travolta is officially America's Weirdest Superstar That Isn't a Member of the Jackson Family. Congrats, John! A grateful nation thanks you.

This is the MangyDog, over and out.