First of all, the debut performance of The Skeleton Crew, Nashville's finest comedy improv troupe, was a smashing success . . . a LARGE, enthusiastic crowd, and no one threw anything at me. It was great fun! Be sure to check us out every Tuesday at Zanies if you are in the Nashville area, and be looking for more info in the upcoming weeks.

My last column was a smashing success. Hands down, my Russell Crowe diatribe got me more letters than anything else I've ever written. However, I must confess that I did play a role in the column's success.

You see, after I wrote it, I was intrigued by what Russell Crowe's fans would think. Since nobody reads this rinky-dink column, I figured I would go to a Russell Crowe fan club and spread the ill will.

A note about the Yahoo! Russell Crowe fan clubs . . . there are 55 different clubs, with the largest one having over 950 members. I nearly had a stroke when I saw that. The clubs include Crowe Corner (the largest, which was founded by the unfortunately-named Poppy Carew),Nothing But Russell Crowe, Crowe Boys (the all-gay club), and my personal favorite, The Russell Crowe Lust League. I knew I had to try and piss all of them off.

So, I got a Yahoo email account, CroweFan678, and, posing as a teenage girl, I posted the following message under the heading "BOO Mangy!":

"Hi guys . . . I just wanted to say that I found this site that was SUPER-mean to Russell . . . my brother showed it to me, he thinks it's FUNNY. I wrote the guy in charge of the site, and he was unbelievably rude. The site is www.MangyDog.com . . . you can find the article there . . . join me in boycotting these jerks! Thanks! Jessie P"

That's right, folks . . . I attempted to organize a boycott of myself.

Needless to say, the response was swift and severe . . . some people posted to the Yahoo club, others wrote me personally to tell me where to go . . . a brief sampling, with creative spelling and grammar intact:

"hey jessie, saw the site. They dont have one good reason why they should say those things about Russell. I mean the guy really really does deserve the Best Actor award and so did the Gladiator movie! the owner of the site is just jealous that Russell gets all the women! F*ck the site, they cant get a life."

"What an udder and complete MORON!!!!!! Obviously one of the NO BRAIN idiots that reads the paper too much!! And there are a LOT of those out there, believe me!!! I am royally pissed!! Excuse all the exclamation marks. (sorry) I have one word to say to all that garbage. J-E-A-L-O-U-S>>ALL MEN hate Russell Crowe. Every time one of my men friends hear me mention his name, they say Queer, fag ect. Just an example of bad self image. Men are threatened by his charisma and ability to draw so much attention. So WHAT if he has eyes that melt right down to the core!!! SO WHAT if adoring souls snap their own limbs to be within a glimpse of him!!!! SO WHAT!!!!!!! He is wonderful!!! He is REAL!!!!!! We love him for that!!!!!!! And we always will. MANGY 9 is a suitable name for these maggot eaten scrotum sacks that call themselves human!!!!! Grrrrrr I need a smoke~ xoxoxox take care all ~Lisa~ Ps. I tried to email the bloody bastards and rip them a new one, but I can't get an email addy to pull up!!!! grrrrr"

"Dear MangyDog, I just would like to let you know that your coloumn about Russell Crowe sucks. How many Oscars have any of you guys won? NONE! so you have no room to talk. And if you believe everything you read about celebrities and how much they have sex, you are crazy. Have you ever met him? I doubt it, so you don't really know what he is like. You probably haven't even researched this guy up like I have, because if you did, you would know how sweet and nice he can be. Most of his friends say he is really cool and nice. But you probably don't care about that. Just because some of the papers have been saying that he sleeps with so many different women each week, doesn't mean it is true. If you had read the interviews with his Grandmother or his ex-girlfriend, Danielle Spencer, you would know he isn't like that. So you are just a bunch of punks who have nothing to do except write a bunch of crap about people you haven't met."

"I saw your page about Russell Crowe on your website. What a load of shit! You know, you can't believe everything you hear in the media about celebrities. Probably about 90% of it is bullshit. I know everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but you most likely have never even met Russell Crowe yet you make all these assumptions about him and his personal life. Do you have nothing better to do than sit around and make fun of people?? You need to get a life. By the way, I liked the way he had his hair fixed at the Oscars. And he definitely deserved to win best actor. So Fuck You. Heather"

"Dear Mangy, ( An apt name, I am sure): Your Russell Crowe bashing is only evidence of your stupidity. He is the greatest actor who has ever lived and no one cares if he is a little promiscuous. He is living out the dream of every red-blooded male on the planet...reaping the rewards of being ALPHA-MALE...where do you get off criticizing him? GET A LIFE OF YOUR OWN. Deanna"

"this guy is just playa hatin'. what Mr. Crowe has can not be attained by the masses. If this guy had done his homework he would know that a large portion of females who can't get enough are women in an older age bracket."

And, my personal favorite:

"actually i thought it was kind of funny. alysia"

Now, please understand, this is not an indictment of all Russell Crowe fans (in fact, several of them wrote me very intelligent, thoughtful responses . . . they weren't funny, so I didn't include them . . . this column is mainly for the weirdos, but thank you very much nonetheless), just an indictment of the lemmings in our society. I don't want to sound like someone that reads the paper (gasp!), but I just think it's time we grew up a little bit. To be honest, I have not seen enough of Mister Crowe's movies to accurately judge his abilities (although I GUARANTEE that he is not the greatest actor of all time, Deanna.) My vitriol towards the Aussie Ass is directly because of his actions at the Oscars. I despise nothing more than someone unwilling to take a joke . . . if you can't take a joke, then legally, I should be able to slap you repeatedly. Or, at the very least, put up your humorless, badly spelled, mildly psychotic diatribes. If you can't take a joke, you should BECOME one.

What was really strange about the responses was the constant refrain of "You don't REALLY know him like I do." Look, you goofs, you DON'T KNOW HIM, and he DOESN'T WANT TO KNOW YOU, and no one has ever gained further insight into a human being's soul by reading People Magazine. So let's knock off the whole "I know the REAL him" crap. It's not true, and it's just plain creepy.

Ah well, I'm all rambled out. All of this jealousy and rage I feel towards Russell Crowe is really wearing me down. Lucky sheep-fucking bastard.

Oh, and as for all of the members of the fan club that I invited to the site, SURPRISE! I look forward to your angry response, and thanks for keeping me in business.

This is the MangyDog, over and out.