Well, it's column time, and as always, when I can't think of anything to write, I say random mean-spirited things about famous people.

Great, so let's get started!

Today, I'm gonna talk about some stuff that I've seen on the TV lately, mainly because it's 3 am and I have the remote. Let's see what's on:

The first thing I spy as I flip the channels is "Soul Train." According to Don Cornelius on the opening voiceover, Soul Train is the "longest-running nationally syndicated first-run original program in history," or something like that. Good for you, "Soul Train!"

They have quite the amazing mix of talent on "Soul Train," and it's always highlighted by the Soul Train Dancers, who blow the Solid Gold Dancers out of the water. The first act that was on the show was a gangsta boy band called B2K, a group whose name is now dated by 2 years. I guess Pet Rock and the Pogs was taken.

Their sound can best be described as "Bone Thugs n' Sync" . . . their pretty boys, but they have bandanas and don't wear shirts, so they're kinda tough, too. I rapidly lost interest.

The second act for the evening is the Baha Men, who are apparently suffering from the delusion that they're still famous. I know what you're asking: "Jesse, did they play 'Who Let the Dogs Out'?" Well, what the hell do you think?

Alright, time to hop off of the SOOOOUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLL Train and find something else . . .

CLICK!

Ah, we have stumbled onto a goldmine. On Fox, they're showing "Dangerous Minds." Remember that movie? it's the one in which Michelle Pfeiffer plays an ex-Marine trying to teach some hardscrabble inner city youngsters good manners, by Golly!

First of all, does anyone buy Michelle Pfeiffer as an ex-Marine? I think even I would have been a better casting choice than that. Sergeant Pfeiffer? Barney Pfeiffer's more like it.

"Dangerous Minds" is a wretched, awful film. This movie sucks more goat cock than an Alabama peanut farmer. Every second of it is false, idiotic, and worst of all, insincere.

This movie is also an example of the hypocritical horseshit that is Political Correctness. Sergeant Pfeiffer's classroom is filled with every single demographic, carefully balanced between telegenic, streetwise African-Americans, telegenic, streetwise, Latino-Americans, telegenic, streetwise, Puerto Rican-Americans, and, of course, a coupla white dudes. Thanks to this sterling example of ethnic diversity, we're able to see every egregious stereotype known to man, from the Wacky Black Rapper That's Misunderstood ("Yo bitch, you don't know me, White Teacher Ho!! WORD!!") to the Fiery Mexican That's Even Less Understood Than The Wacky Black Rapper ("Jemme tell joo sumtin', aiight? JOO DON'T KNOW ME, CHICA TEACHER GRINGO (cue 'La Cucaracha') !")

Amidst an inner-city backdrop that shows that no one affiliated with the film has ever been to the inner-city at all, a series of cliches and contrived crud ensues. Then, there's the obligatory United Nations Scene, a staple of many Hollywood "Hey, let's all get along and eat Smores" - themed films, in which the Older White Person tries to learn more about her disadvantaged brown friends, usually by assimilating their culture and coming off like a complete jackass. In "Dangerous Minds," this scene comes when Sergeant Pfeiffer watches and engages in a little hip-hop dancing, just like Negroes do!

The whole class engages in Arsenio-style "WOOF!"s while Pfeiffer does an embarrassed little shuffle (and I mean EMBARRASSED . . . you can tell ol' Mish didn't hang around the set between takes that day). It's a scene so painfully phony and stupid that it could only have come from a Jerry Bruckheimer-produced film. "Oh look, Sergeant Pfeiffer's awkward grinding is 'elping us to learn and grow, si! And I thought chee didn't know me, main (cue 'La Cucaracha')!" Good God, where's my vomit bucket?

CLICK!

Since there was nothing on, I popped in a tape of my current favorite show, the engrossing courtroom drama that is "Texas Justice." This show ROCKS. The courtroom is presided over by Judge Larry Joe Doherty, a real-life Southern lawman who's kind of a cross between Judge Judy and Ross Perot. He's prone to various Texisms like "You gotta bring the cow to the cabbage" (he talks about cabbage a lot). The opening of the show is awesome, with shots of cows intermingling with Judge Larry Joe riding the range, apparently looking for people that have skipped on paying for their wedding photos and other such miscreants. He proudly ambles past the camera, pointing at the viewer as if to say, "If you owe someone interest on a $2,700 loan, it's yer ass, Buster Brown!"

Another highlight of "Texas Justice" is the bailiff William, who's definitely the best of the bailiffs on courtroom shows. He almost seems sleepy, he's so calm and composed. But he's also really big, so if a neighbor seeks blood from the person that ran over her cat, William can stop a potential tragedy.

Ah yes, if all courtroom judges were as brilliant as the great Judge Larry Joe, I dare say that our small claims courtroom system could be changed forever. Or, at the very least, judges would walk around riding horses and pointing, and that would be kinda cool.

GOD BLESS TV!

This is the MangyDog, over and out.