"YA-YA!"

Kill me now.

Greetings, Mangyfaces! I just want to send a shout-out to Dana in Seattle, an old friend of mine from the Clinton days. Her boyfriend runs condom.com, and while I tried to tell her that no one involved with Mangy ever gets laid, she still insisted on a shameless plug. So, here it is.

Condom.com . . . Whooptee-doo! Click here.

Alrighty-roo, let's move on.

Well, my Dad and his wife moved to Chattanooga. Patti was transferred because of her job, they could be down there at least 3 weeks, probably closer to a month, possibly several months. This came as a shock to me, since I just found out 2 days ago, they are my roommates, and we, you know, just moved into a house. This is also a bit of an inconvenience, since I still don't have a driver's license from my probation ordeal, and, well, bills are a bitch. On the bright side, I'm by myself (my other roommate Wirt is housesitting for his mom for a coupla weeks). I'm not gonna comment on the timing of my Dad bailing on me on Father's Day weekend, but let's just say that there are several layers of irony worthy of exploration there.

Alright, enough sharing and caring. I don't even know you people.

This is the first time that I've been by myself for an extended period of time for quite a while . . . nobody asking me for favors, nobody invading my privacy, just plain NOBODY. I'm very intrigued to see how my mental state will change. I hope this doesn't turn into a Shining situation. That would be unfortunate. On the bright side, though, I wouldn't kill my roommates, since they're not here. Unfortunately, the neighbors are pretty much sitting ducks.

Nonsense. Everyone knows that disemboweling total strangers is no way to brighten the mood. Therefore, I shall make a list of the glorious things that I can do while I am by myself for this limited time . . . Here now is Jesse Perry's Wacky Bachelor Guy to-do list:

• First rule's simple: All Naked, All the Time.
• Start a grease fire and brace for wacky results
• More Masturbating in the Kitchen
• Crank the television LOUD, even if it makes for a painfully unpleasant viewing experience
• Bring shadowy people to the neighborhood; pay them 5 dollars to skulk around outside, glaring at the neighbors
• Go through roommates' stuff and compare it to all of the stuff I dug out of Chad's closet
• Board up all of the doors and windows and refuse to come out, except for noon every day, where I will throw a deviled egg into the street. Perhaps we could set up some sort of ceremony.
• Play all of my porn LOUD, and scream LOUDLY while I watch it
• Throw more stuff at the cats. Lousy cats.
• Pee on every plant on our property, including the plants that are inside the house
• Gain an appreciation for improv comedy. Nah, I'm just kiddin'. That's one of my jokes!
• Turn on all of the appliances in the kitchen to full blast, and run around shrieking, just so I can be LOUD!

Ah yes, this looks like an exciting time to be Jesse Perry. If you'd like to come over to my place and cheer me up during this dire time, I encourage you to email me, and I shall disclose my location, as long as you promise that I won't be stabbed, shot, or burgled. Perhaps we could set up a Mangy Slumber Party, and spend the evening drinking beer and talking about how great Chad and I are. A glorious idea!

YA-YA!

This is the MangyDog, over and out.