First off, I'm pleased to announce that the President's Butt is free and clear. God bless us everyone.

Also, I want to thank Karolyn Lewis for her column . . . you know, I've noticed that all of our guest columns have been by women. Are there not any men with any thoughts or opinions out there? Are you all wusses? Yes, they often say that insults are the last refuge of a desperate web site owner, and I am no different. However, we still encourage you to send in your guest columns, and we're looking forward to more submissions. Remember: The more YOU do, the less WE do, and what we actually do, we're not saying.

MangyDog performs at YardFlix on July 9. Click here for the scoop.

Well, in other news today, J.C. Watts, fourth-leading Republican in the house and the man that the GOP refers to as "Our Black Guy," announced his retirement yesterday. Damn shame. He was THIS close to being named an official white person. Sigh.

It was nearly a year ago that I began doing the stand-up thing . . . I'd been doing video projects for years, but I was ready to hit the stage and offend people under the lights. So far, it's been a helluva ride, and the best part is, I'm broker than a bent-dick dog because of it!  WOOHOO!

However, I am dedicated to my craft, in much the same way that a bassist is committed to never getting a regular job. With this dedication comes hours of performing, and of talking meanly about other performers behind their back. However, there are things that I have noticed, little constants of personality that identify the true comedians from the frat boys that want to fart on stage.

So, without further adieu, I give you Jesse Perry's Signs that you Might be an Aspiring Comedian:

• You're constantly asking everyone what their "deal" is
• You have an abnormal pre-occupation towards the nuances of air travel and the peanuts that you receive on these travels
• You love fad catchphrases that everyone else is sick of, i.e., you still tell people that they are the "Weakest Link . . . Goodbye!"
• When the news breaks in with a special report, you pray that it means new material
• You're a raging alcoholic
• You've dated a LOT of bar waitresses
• You talk about 3 things: penises, tampons, and tampons (this one is female-specific)
• You talk endlessly about your own vagina, and the strange sounds, smells, and fluids that emanate from it (ditto)
• You own more index cards, notebooks, and Post-It Notes than anyone you know
• You call sitting on your ass all day and watching TV "research"
• You DON'T like telling jokes at parties, not unless there's a guarantee from the owner of the party . . . you also demand free drinks
• You seem to be screwed over by sleazy strangers a LOT
• You're willing to perform in Clarksville, TN
• You charge a cover when your friends come over 

Yes, any of these signs could very well mean that you have comedy in your blood. Congratulations, and I look forward to seeing you perform Tuesday night at the Cantina.

GO COMEDY!

This is the MangyDog, over and out.