First off, I just want to say that the people of Nashville made a big mistake in not voting for Bruce Wood for Vice-Mayor in yesterday's elections. His populist, environmentally-based platform was refreshing, and, as his campaign slogan states, "Bruce Wood is Right!" Oh, and he's a helluva stand-up comedian, too.

Now, on to smaller and worse things . . .

The first week of open mike at the Cantina at the new time was huge success . . . I hope to see more people out there next week, and be there at 7 so we can get started! For more info, here.

Thanks to Scott for sending in his guest column . . . it's elicited some rather vocal responses. I also want to thank the angry people that have written me because they can't find a way to contact Scott. Keep those death threats a-comin'!

There's been a bit of a controversy recently in regards to a song by Toby Keith entitled "Courtesy Of The Red, White And Blue (The Angry American)," a feel-good song about blowing stuff up. His album, "Unleashed" (Damn, he's manly), debuted at number one this week, and "Angry American" peaked at number one on the singles charts. I have a personal rule that any country singer that raps in one of their songs and shills phone service with Terry Bradshaw is not worthy of serious consideration, but Keith's case intrigued me.

This song is a response to 9-11, in which Keith envisions swift and bloody vengeance to the various foreigners that attacked us. The lyrics read in part:

Oh justice will be served
And the battle will rage
This big dog will fight
When you rattle his cage
And you'll be sorry that you messed with The U.S. of A.
'Cause we'll put a boot in your ass
It's the American way.

Hey Uncle Sam put your name
At the top of his list
And the Statue of Liberty
Started shakin' her fist
And the eagle will fly
And there's gonna be hell
When you hear Mother Freedom
Start ringin' her bell
And it'll feel like the whole wide world
Is rainin' down on you
Brought to you courtesy Of the Red, White and Blue.

Oh, oh, of the Red, White and Blue
Oh, oh, of the Red, White and Blue.

Subtle, but effective.

While Keith's indignance is understandable, and while it resonates across the country to people who aren't into rational thought, it's this whole Shitkicker's Mentality that has effectively kept us from conquering our enemies.

The bottom line is, Keith can strut and swivel all that he wants to, but I'd like to see him write a song encouraging people to not buy oil and look for alternative sources of energy, so that the true enemy, Saudi Arabia, can loosen their grip on our short n' curlies, and we can focus on giving the right people the adequate bombing they deserve. Of course, then Keith and his cronies wouldn't be able to fill up their Ford Diesel F96000 BadAss Mofo Gas Guzzler. Ah, the ultimate hypocrisy: The people that despise the Arabs the most, and are more prone to call people unpatriotic if they disagree with their jingoism, are often the ones that use Saudi Arabia's cash cow most often.

Our country has never reacted well to brown people. Just look at the way we've shunned George Hamilton over the years. Keith's whole "Bocephus for Dummies" gimmick feeds on our mass ignorance (this is, after all, the man that sang the phrase, "I wanna talk about I!"). Look for Keith's new album, Readin' is fer Queers, to be out in the fall.

However, sad to say, the worst part about the song is that, frankly, it doesn't go far enough. "Put a boot in their ass?" Please. Keith seems to think that terrorism can be solved through a series of bar brawls. Give me a break, Tobester, we've got guns and bombs! Why half-ass your retribution? Therefore, I've decide to write my response to Toby Keith's song, entitled, "The Angrier, Mildly Psychotic American":

Them towelheads were much worse than we feared,
Lies and deceit tucked into their beards,
All that funny talkin's really weird,
Let's show them fagboys WE AIN'T SKEERED!

I'm gonna punch an Ay-rab in the face,
To prove that American's the master race!
I'll punch you hard in yer purty mouth,
God Bless America, ex-pecially the South!

Then, at the end of the song, you can say, "Osama, yer mama!", then end it with a long, loud fart.

Yes, I believe that this song more accurately conveys the message that Keith is trying to get across, and, if you sing this song in Clarksville, you'll be elected mayor within 3 months!

This is the MangyDog, over and out.