Wow.

Well, my last column went over like a bag o' babies . . . it lead to mailing list unsubscriptions, several nasty letters (although some made very good points, and are duly noted), and, worst of all, made me feel like I have to write a new column right away. Damn.

I'm not gonna apologize or try to justify the last column . . . it was what it was, sick and twisted and unrepentant. Of course, if it were THAT unrepentant, this column would just be a drawing of a middle finger, but what the hell ya gonna do?

What a bizarre time for our country . . . all kinds of fucked-up things are happening, and I can't think of one good way to make fun of it. I hate that. Oh well, I'll try my best.

I understand why there's so much paranoia and confusion in this country . . . this is certainly a very paranoid and confusing time. However, when you throw in a blue billion media outlets, you have complete chaos. It's bad enough being told we should panic once, much less 14 trillion times a nanosecond. "Up next, on MSNBC: an update on the last 4 minutes . . . has the war against terrorism magically ended in the last 4 minutes? Have the last 4 minutes been harmful to your children? Do you know where your children have been the last 4 minutes? Is your child a spy? Is that sandwich going to kill you? Why do you wear those tight pants? WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!" Oh, stop it, already.

For example, this whole anthrax thing . . .yes, it's very scary. Yes, people have died, early on, when we didn't know what the hell was going on. However, now that we know what to look for, we're finding it, and nipping it in the bud. This past week has been nothing but stories about people who crapped their pants after getting the sniffles. If this scourge can be treated with antibiotics, how scourge-y is the damn thing?

Look, folks, as long as we practice due diligence and use the brains in our heads that God so kindly granted us, we'll be fine. Our headlong dive into becoming a nation of complacent, thought-fearing fat asses played a large part in leading us to this crisis in the first place. All we have to do is, you know, THINK, and not be afraid to, you know, THINK, and we WILL be okay. "Hmm, this unmarked envelope seems to contain not a letter, but a mysterious powder . . . should I open it?" YOU MAKE THE CALL, BRAINIAC!!

(Also, if this is connected with terrorism, what a lame-o second phase, huh? First, they destroy our national treasures, then they give us a slight cold? What's next? Are they going to run around in the street and give random people titty twisters? "WHISTLE, INFIDEL!!!!")

I don't know . . . it doesn't pay to be facetious in these times. But dammit, I'm gonna give it my best shot. Whoever is doing this to us, I'd much rather tell them to kiss my ass then hop around squealing like a little girl while I piss my pants, and let them take delight in my fear. I don't know how much of a soldier I'd be, but I know that before I died, I'd really piss 'em off. Just for doing that, I'd die happy.

Which reminds me, check out my last column when ya get a chance.

This is the MangyDog, over and out.

(By the way, if ya get a chance, I recommend you go to www.clubteez.com . . . they got some kick-ass shirts, and they seem like cool guys. Hey, you knew I had to shill something at SOME point in this column, didn't you?)