email Jesse

*  First of all, I've got to say hello to my good friend Wayne, who I was fortunate enough to hear from for the first time in a long time . . . HEY, WAYNE!

A STORY FROM MY YOUTH

When I was a boy, there was this kid who lived across the street from us named Louie Lopez.  He was a sweet, unassuming kid who had a glass eye. 

Every day, when we came home from school on the bus together, he would pull out his eye to freak out other kids on the bus.  With a soft, wet, PLOP, Louie would yank that sucker out and go "Hola, mi amigos!  Look at my eye of glass!"

Well, one day, Louie was exhibiting his eye, and this mean bully kid, Todd Schnitzen (what a weasel), grabbed his eye from Louie's outstretched hands.  Louie pleaded with him to get it back.

"Please, amigo!  That's my eye!  POR QUE?!?!?"

Todd just smiled and looked at him.

"Adios, del queerbait!"  he screamed, and he threw the eye out the window.  Louie screamed as he watched his eye roll down the gutter.  Todd just smiled and sat back down as Louie sobbed uncontrollably.  The next day, Louie hurled himself off a bridge, screaming, "NO EYE MAKE ME LOCO!!"

The point of the story is, the driver of the bus was none other than William Jefferson Clinton.

  That's a true story.

*  How could the Indians have fired Mike Hargrove?  DAMN THEM.  Am I right, Heinous?

*  If you've ever visited Clarksville, did you want to go back?  If so, WHY? 

*  There is one phase in our life that we all go through that is undoubtedly the toughest, most pretentious of all . . . the high school teen-angst period.  Many people stay in this mold for the rest of their lives (i.e. Marilyn Manson, Jim Morrison, that goof from the Cure), staining our collective psyche with their crappy poetry, public urination, and infrequent shooting sprees.

That is why, as a service to you, the soon-to-be-parent, or parent, or high-schooler, I have created this all purpose poem that should pretty much cover you during your high school years.  I now present . . .

The MangyDog All-Purpose High School Teen Angst Universal Poem

The wind, it mocks me,
Teasing me of an abyss that is not yet ready to give me back my car keys so I can go to the game,
Tempting me to drive my cozy 4-door Nissan into the murky oblivion,

As shards of sadness stab into my black heart . . .
FUCK YOU DAD!

Oh, cruel fate, why must the test be tomorrow?
Stab me in my face!!!

The wind, it mocks me,
Teasing me of an . . . oh, wait . . .

  Oblivion, sadness, torture, misery, loss, sorrow, overriding agony . . .
Why must The Higher Power pile on zits to my pain?

  This cruel world no longer needs me . . . I will leave it after the prom.

  Give this to your kid, or just write it down whenever you feel like bombing your classmates.  You'll thank me later.

*  By the way, about that whole Mangy Movie thing I was talking about a coupla weeks ago . . . it's coming soon, just not REAL soon, so hold your water.