Man, it's great to be back to talk to all of you wonderful Mangyheads. My gig on the 11th went swimmingly . . . to keep posted on our comic whereabouts, I encourage you to keep coming back, and be sure to check out www.nashvillestandup.com for more info.

I'm pleased to announce some tremendous news, not just for me, but for the world as a whole. Yes, in honor of my growing comedic fortunes, I'm please to announce that I'm probably gonna fuck Julia Roberts by the end of the year 2003.

Thank you, thank you.

Look, it's obvious that I'm gonna bang 'er. Why, I'll give you five damn good reasons:

1) Lyle Lovett. It was clear from very early on in Julia's career that her standards, you know, weren't so hot. I mean, Sweet Christmas, look at this guy:

Considering that I'm MUCH better-looking than this dude, I'm feelin' pretty good.

2) I can handle the press. Since MangyDog started 36 years ago, I've been at the forefront of the media, constantly being harrassed, and yet I still keep my composed, downright steely demeanor. This will come in especially handy when I'm fucking Julia Roberts. Plus, with my background in broadcasting, I can write the press release myself, allowing for tasteful newspaper stories, like this one:

3) I'm funny and 4) I'm hung. These really don't require much explanation.

5) I'm a kinky mofo. Hey, if Julia wants to get frisky, I've got no problem with that. I've been known to get a little wacky from time to time. If she wanted to go to the beach, and have me screw her doggy-style up against her Lexus, I'd be more than happy. I'm that giving. In fact, I think it would look a little something like this:

Ah yes, as you can see, there's really no way I can lose. I think the dramatizational graphics that I've created for you pretty much prove my point.

So, Julia, I'll look forward to bonin' ya in aught-3, and if you need help choosing scripts (and judging by "America's Sweethearts", you do), I'll be more than glad to help you out there, in a purely platonic, non-boning-intensive manner.

This is the MangyDog, over and out.