Mangy Dog

Jesse Perry and Ryan Williams are fond of sitting on their fat asses while also talking out of them.  Their endless yammering is the basis for a new regular column, Slob & Slobber, in which two married nerds talk about stuff they’ve stared at.  Today’s question:  “What are the five greatest TV episodes?”  Take it away, you chunky bastards!

RYAN:

5- “Zen, or the Skill to Catch a Killer” S1 Episode 03 -- Twin Peaks

If you are older than 25 and you consider yourself a fan of “all things underground”, then there is no way in hell you haven’t seen every episode of Twin Peaks. “The Show That Changed Television” provided us with the best and the worst that studio television has to offer. By the end of the second season, the goose was more than dead, it was stuffed and mounted and covered in cobwebs. But Season One was eight episodes of creepy, fantastic, nutty goodness that was like NOTHING that mainstream TV audiences had ever seen. Episode Three was the kicker: David Lynch directed the episode that gave us the “rock and intuition” experiment (Cooper throwing rocks at an empty milk bottle while focusing on suspects names), the introduction of FBI forensics specialist Albert Rosenfield, and of course “The Dream”… the final 10 minutes of the episode concerned itself with FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper’s late-night vision involving a dancing dwarf, a one-armed man reciting bad poetry, and a stringy, long-haired demon named BOB who vows to kill again. “Peaks Freaks” dissected every frame of the dream sequence, counting candles and decoding the comments and off-the-wall lines that each character in The Red Room spoke (“She’s filled with secrets” “I feel like I know her but sometimes my arms bend back” “That gum you like is going to come back in style…”). It stands as one of the strangest moments in television history.

4- “-30-” Season 5 (Series Finale) -- The Wire

This is the greatest TV show of all time. I mention that because this episode is not #1 on my list, and yet the show’s pedigree and caliber means it deserves a mention somewhere in this  article. The problem with The Wire is that it is only the greatest TV show of all time because on the whole it is a marvelous accomplishment in writing, acting and storytelling. So much so that no single episode stands out any further than any other. This is one of the few entries on my list that I wouldn’t dream of suggesting you watch to merely start out on the show with. By the end of the 5th season, you have grown so accustomed to each character and thread in the show that the final episode in the series has simply put a cap on the empty bottle. Still, if you have watched the show faithfully up until this final episode, the payoff is marvelous. The Wire is not to be taken lightly.

3- “Here Was A Man”, Season 1 Episode 04 -- Deadwood

Behold! The IDEAL hour-long drama. A show that indicates where characters are headed, and one that addresses historical fact with the same amount of reverence and respect that it deserves, while still weaving it into the fictional plots of the inhabitants of a historical town. This episode is so wonderfully, tightly-packed with development and resolution that it boggles the mind. If Shakespeare wrote a TV series, this would be it.

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2- “Everyone’s Waiting” Season 5 (Series Finale) -- Six Feet Under

Here’s another show that is impossible to watch or fully appreciate unless you have taken the time to enjoy every episode up until it. It’s even difficult to discuss the content of the episode without destroying the enjoyability factor for those who have not seen the entire series up to this point.

Six Feet Under was about two things: life and death. It covered the gambit of living and dying every week, amidst the intertwining trials and tribulations of The Fisher Family- owners of a  non-corporate funeral home in Los Angeles, California. Naturally the death aspect shone through given the nature of the family business, but the fact that it welcomed the existence of everyday life in its’ plot lines (and doing it in a non-hoakey way) helped to turn the show into a classic even before it ended in 2005.

The final episode goes further towards “wrapping everything up” than any other TV show in existence. It followed the formula that it had set for itself by giving us a life-changing announcement at the top of the show (but in an amazing twist of convention we were shown an announcement of birth instead of death), and for the next hour we get to see how the passing on of one of the principal characters will effect the people that were left behind. The less said about the final ten minutes of the show the better, suffice to say that there will never be a more fitting and apropos final episode for a series in TV history. It says something that you are unable to hear a song used in a finale and not think of its’ use in a show’s credits.

1- “Abyssinia, Henry”, Season 3 (Season Finale) -- M*A*S*H

“The Situation Tragedy” didn’t start with M*A*S*H. There had been other shows that had flirted with elements of drama within their 30-minute running time. All In The Family and even Andy Griffith had played with the harsh realities of life, infused and distilled with humor and pathos. But in March of 1975, M*A*S*H was the first half-hour comedy show that actually had the balls to kill off one of its’ principal characters.

Everyone in “the business” knew that Maclean Stevenson was leaving the show after it’s third season in order to pursue leading roles in other TV shows. The plot of the season finale was already intended to say goodbye to his beloved character by sending Henry home. The episode centered around Henry learning he was being honorably discharged, him having a sentimental moment with Radar, his company clerk (O’Reilly looked up to Blake as a father figure), and a last-night-on-the-town with Hawkeye and Trapper involving a little bit of Korean food and a lot of Korean booze. It was a funny and fitting sendoff to a character who was adored for being more than just a daffy-but-fair commanding officer. Blake strode out of his tent dressed in his brand new civilian suit and said goodbye to Hawkeye and Trapper, returned an affectionate and heartfelt salute to Radar, and planted an unexpected goodbye lip-lock on Hot Lips before getting in a chopper and flying away. Everyone giggled, smiled, and maybe even got a little bit weepy when they saw Blake leave the 4077th behind.

But it was the final scene in the episode that elevated the show from “great TV” to “landmark classic”. Hours later, the company is hard at work in the operating room, up to their wrists in blood. A visibly-stunned Radar staggers in and leans on an empty gurney, is yelled at by Trapper to put a mask on, and speaks one of the most devastating and shocking lines in a “comedy” show in TV history:

“I have an announcement. Lieutenant Colonial Henry Blake’s plane… was shot down over the Sea Of Japan. It spun in. There were no survivors.”

And TV would never be the same.

The idea of killing off a fun-loving, bumbling, borderline incompetent character in a major TV series had been done before. But never on a sitcom. And it had never come so far from out of left field. Henry Blake’s death broke a major rule that TV show creators had always honored with TV audiences. It pulled the rug out from under viewers and told them that everything we understood about the conventions of episodic storytelling was subject to violation. It cost M*A*S*H quite a few loyal viewers, who abandoned the show out of a sense of being offended by it’s audacity. However, they all came back, and there is a reason why M*A*S*H is still a favorite show nearly 30 years after it’s final episode ran in 1983.

Sure, the show petered out by the eleventh season, and it sadly turned into the one thing that it despised (a formula that becomes a parody of itself). But the impact that “Abyssinia, Henry” had, coupled with the stellar writing throughout the episode, and admittedly, my fasciation with the show, deems this to be the Best Episode in TV history. So suck it.

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JESSE:  Some good choices, Ryan, even though THEY’RE ALL WRONG.  Or, my memory stinks.  Both theories are valid.

Some background:  I watched a good chunk of Season 1 of Twin Peaks.  I recall being confused and frightened,  but I couldn’t tell you specific episodes.  I recall the moment when they revealed who killed Laura Palmer in Season 2.  It creeped me out for quite a while, but I couldn’t tell you about the episode itself.  In fact, writing a list of favorite episodes is tough, because there are so many great moments that might not necessarily make for good episodes.  For example, the final scene of The Sopranos might be the most unique ending to any story I’ve ever seen, but I couldn’t tell you dick about the rest of the episode.  It’s the same with shows like The Wire, Mad Men, or Deadwood: They’re so consistently good that it’s hard to think of one episode that is The Greatest.  They all blur together into a big pile of awesome.  Plus, my memory sucks, so there’s that.  Ah well, let’s get this arbitrary list started:

(By the way, I had forgotten about the ending of Six Feet Under.  I want to drive into a wall now.  Thanks, Ryan!  Also, you took the Deadwood ep, so up yours.)

In no particular order:

Different Strokes, “That episode of Different Strokes where Arnold and Dudley get molested in the bike shop”

A great episode of television is one that endures, one that is seared into our collective brainpan forever.  Based on that criteria, no form of televised entertainment scarred me for life more than when Gary Coleman almost got fingered by Gordon Jump:

It’s not a favorite, and it may not be great, but YOU try forgetting it.  (By the way, who decided on when to push the laugh track in this episode? “Let’s hop on my bed as part of my creepy sex game!!’ HAHAHAHAHA!)

Lost, “Through The Looking Glass”

My pick for the best non-Wire season finale ever.  Awesome action, characters dying, a guy using his feet to break a dude’s neck, and the twist at the end made me poop my pants. The wait between Seasons 3 & 4 of Lost was unbearable because of this finale.  It totally wiped away the bitter, horrible memory of that Bai Ling episode from earlier in the season.  Okay, maybe not “totally.”  Holy Craprockets, did that episode blow.

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Seinfeld, “The Contest”

I love Arrested Development.  I was doubled over for the entirety of its three-year run  However, Seinfeld was just as funny, and it sustained the hilarity for much, much longer.  Then again, I start thinking about Buster and GOB and Tobias and I laugh and laugh and . . .

There are dozens of Seinfeld episodes that I could pick as “the best,” but this one was about jackin’ it, so let’s go with that.

The Andy Griffith Show, “Lawman Barney”

Ryan loved MASH; I loved The Andy Griffith Show.  I’m not sure if that’s a North / South thing or what (Ryan’s from New York state, aka A Fancy Type), but I couldn’t get into MASH as much as Andy Griffith.  I think my memory of MASH is a bit tainted by the later years . . . It seemed every episode ended with Alan Alda dropping to his knees and screaming “DAMN THIS WAR!”  I never felt the same fatigue with The Andy Griffith Show, primarily because the color episodes never happened.  Do you hear me?  THEY NEVER HAPPENED.

Barney Fife is one of the all-time great characters, but it was primarily because he was easy to laugh at.  Let’s face it, he was a goofy bastard.  However, in “Lawman Barney,” he finally gets the chance to be a damn good cop, and he comes through.  I couldn’t imagine Seinfeld doing a half-hour that gives Kramer a moment of dignity, but then again, that’s what made both shows so good.

By the way, this is awesome:

Battlestar Galactica, “Crossroads Part 2″

I’ve watched a lot of sci-fi movies, but sci-fi TV was always sorta crappy.  I grew up in the age of Star Trek spin-offs.  Times were dark.  I liked the remake of Battlestar Galactica, though, and my like for it peaked with this episode in the third season, which is as close to a happy ending as this show was capable of having.  Plus, shit blew up.  A lot.  Loudly.

After this, I got sick of it.  By the time characters were hearing “All Along the Watchtower” in their heads, I started getting deeply annoyed.  I prefer to think that the show ended like this episode:  With a big KER-BLOOOOOOMMMMBBBBSSSSHHHHHBOOOOMMM!!!!!!

RYAN:  Well Mr. Perry, you have proven to all who take the time to read this that you wouldn’t know “Good TV” if you sat down and watched it. Pretty much. While I took the time to explore meaningful themes and notions like changing the way Television Shows operate and deal with life and death, you have decided to focus on molestation and robots. Furthermore, the fact that we have both neglected to mention The Simpsons, Mary Tyler Moore, I Love Lucy or “Who Shot JR?”; I think it is safe to say we have the collective memory and intelligence of a fruit fly. Now let’s go get some wings.