email The Heinous Bastard

The year was 1997. I remember it like it was less than a decade ago. A young, brash, laundry attendant asked me to write about how the Detroit Redwings had won the Stanley Cup. I told him I was flattered, but that the Dallas Stars had actually just won the cup. He told me that if I wanted to get paid, that I would write what he told me to write. He then stumbled away with his 40 mumbling something about nachos and Mary Jane. I didn't know a girl named Mary, but I sure could have gone for some nachos.

So here we are, years and years later. Over the past years it has been tiring shooing away my adoring fans and stalkers. I guess that it the price of fame. Sometimes I feel like giving up. You remember my pick last year to win the whole enchilada? Yeah, Washington did well. But not as well as, say, the 30 or so teams that finished ahead of them.

But alas, I shall return to glory this year. For this year, I will bring back a tradition that died a few years ago. Good picks and a hot chick! So without any further ado, I give to you:

THE HEINOUS BASTARD'S 6 TH ANNUAL COLLEGE FOOTBALL PRESEASON FOOTBALL
BONANZA SPECTACULAR!!!

Special guests this year include Nipsey Russell, Charo, and Darva Conger!

Now on to the poll:

10) TEXAS LONGHORNS

How on earth could I have a poll without the Longhorns? They have been a staple in college football for a long time and they are here to stay. Unfortunately for them, they are staying around 10 th . Why? One reason: They are the biggest chokers in the history of college football. These guys couldn't win the big game if the other team forfeited. It has been said time and time again, but let me reiterate: Mack Brown may be a great recruiter, but the guy can't put the Xs and Os on the field. However, he has great talent. Cedric Benson at RB will crack 1,000 yards again and the new defensive scheme may stop a person or two. I see Texas losing 3 this year: Arkansas , Oklahoma and Texas A&M (gig ‘em).

9) FLORIDA STATE SEMIs

Fellas, the party is over. Did you think that you could continue this ride forever? The ACC has been building strength over the years. This year, they add some extra firepower - Miami and Virginia Tech, while adding Boston College in 2005. Not to say that FSU sucks or anything, but they won't have a hall pass. Although they do not play VT this year, they still play Miami and Florida . Not to mention Clemson and Maryland . I see 3 losses for the Seminoles. Chris Nix at QB is not a comfort to fans of FSU, but it could be worse. They could have an over-the-hill, look-the-other-way coach who can't quite get the job done anymore.

8) MICHIGAN WOLVERINES

Michigan has always held a special place in my heart. Luckily, the makers of Tums have helped me a lot with that problem. With the loss of amazing Chris Perry at RB, the Michigan fans may need some relief. However, they return some phenomenal players all around. What they are missing is at RB and QB. While that seems like a lot, the Big 10 seems to survive without a key player at those positions, for some reason. Michigan relies on its stellar defense and terrific WRs. If they can hold other teams down, they will be able to let their inexperienced QB (whoever that is) get his shit together. He won't have much time, though as Michigan faces an embarrassed Notre Dame team, and then also sees Iowa and Ohio State . I see Michigan losing 2 games this year.

7) NEBRASKA CORNHUSKERS

These guys went away for a while, but they are back. Most publications do not give Nebraska a chance this year under new coach Bill Callahan. I see it differently. The folks in Lincoln will be seeing a new offense with the same stiff defense, led by Chattanooga native Josh Bullocks. Their schedule this year is not tough, playing only Oklahoma late in the year. I think this is my sleeper pick. I am going with Nebraska to lose 2 games, a dramatic improvement from 2003. They lose to Oklahoma and someone to be named later.

6) OHIO STATE BUCKEYES

Most people would think Michigan and Ohio State should switch positions on this poll. Not me, buddy! I have purposely put Ohio State higher than they should be, so that I can watch with glee as they tumble out of the rankings. Yes. It is true. I hate Ohio State .

5) MIAMI HURRICANES

Like Florida State , Miami has questions at quarterback. Which makes me wonder: why is it that 2 teams in a talent rich state like Florida can have quarterback s who suck so badly? Heck, even the Florida Gators have a starting QB from a different state. Strange. Anyway, back to Miami . These guys are good again and will face Florida State right off the bat to begin the season. This game will be the third game in the last 12 months for these two teams against each other. Who put that schedule together? Miami will dominate the ACC but lose a game somewhere causing Kellen Winslow II, so fly down to Miami and go on another rampage about being an f@#$ soldier.

(on a side note, did you hear that the Cleveland Browns offered Winslow $40 Million bucks to play for them and he said “Sorry guys, you are off by about $15 million” $40 Million makes him the highest paid tight end in history, and he hasn't played a down yet and still wants more! Incredible!)

4) LSU TIGERS

Ok, they lost a QB, but he wasn't that great anyway. These guys are so good, my toenails curl. And not in a good way. They scare me more than any team out there. Maybe it is something about the state of Louisiana . LSU will beat them all, except Georgia on the way to the SEC championship. There they will lose again, giving them 2 losses for the year. Nick Saban has such a machine working for him down there in Baton Rouge . I can't imagine him leaving anytime soon.

3) OKLAHOMA SOONERS

This is a tricky call. Oklahoma has so much talent, so many great players and veterans; it is hard to predict that they won't win the whole thing outright. But the way they finished last year, with these same players and coaches, I just don't know. So here goes. They have a Heisman winning QB, and All-Americans at almost every position. Their schedule is one of the toughest in the Big 12 this year, facing Kansas State , Nebraska and Texas . They lose one game early on, then regain momentum and once again, somehow, although ranked 3 rd nationally, go to the Orange Bowl and the national championship game, while a team more deserving goes to a lesser game.

2) USC TROJANS

This team is so good at every position that I wish we could actually see some of their games on TV. I don't even have enough time to go through the whole shebang with you about the talent, but I will point out a name to know and remember: Matt Leinart. Matt Leinart comes back for another season at Troy and will probably win the Heisman if his team does what it is supposed to do. The schedule is favorable. The team is ready and wants revenge for the Passover they got last year. This is the time. This time they get revenge. Only to lose in the BCS championship to …..

1) GEORGIA BULLDAWGS

I hate these guys. OK, look, Georgia has one of the toughest schedules in the country. They have to face Florida, Tennessee , LSU, Auburn and a Marshall team that shouldn't be overlooked. It isn't going to be easy for the Dawgs, but this is the year. They have the coaching, the chemistry and the burning desire. Although I am not sure the burning desire isn't really a symptom of plain ol' herpes. But seriously, this is the team this year. A strong QB, a strong D, a terrific coach. It won't be fun for me to watch, because as I may have said before - I hate these guys-but it is their turn. They deserve it. I think I am going to go throw up.

OK, as promised, the Hot Chick of the Week . . . following this joke that is a family favorite:

The setting is the Vietnam War. One day a private and his troop are fighting out of a foxhole. The private runs up to his sergeant.

“Sergeant, I have to take a huge shit!”

“Private, we are in the middle of battle! Can't this wait?” says the sergeant.

“But sergeant, I feel like I am about to explode” says the private.

“OK, well if you have to go, go over to that other foxhole where no one else is”

Two days later, the private return to his troop.

“Private, we thought you were dead, what the hell happened to you?” asks the sergeant.

“Well, let me tell you, I had the greatest dump of my life. I wish all of you guys could have been there with me. The other thing is, you see, I met this girl. Man, she had the best body I have ever seen. We were doing it all over the place. I was doing it between her tits and from behind, on top, down below. It was great!”

“Wow, private, she sounds great. Did she give you head?”

“Head?”, the private asks, “No, she didn't have a head.”

And now, the hot chick of the week is….

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