email The Heinous Bastard
|
You know, it isn't very often when someone comes up to me and
knows my name. In fact, most people wouldn't know me from the hole in the tree
that they abused as a young boy going through puberty. However, when 5 young
years ago, I became quite possibly, the most talk about sports columnist on this
website, people started to know my name. And now, almost a year since I have
written my last column, this website has seen growth unparalleled in modern
times. Coincidence? Probably not. Although my spew has been well documented, my
picks have been unbelievable, and my ass has grown like Kobe Bryant's schlong on
a late night stand with an American Idol reject, I have regretfully not gotten
the attention that I deserve. But as my daddy used to say, "Quit yer bitchen and
get me another brew!" Enough said. Enough said. It is time to prove once again
that no one can touch the awesomeness that is the Heinous Bastard. And no one
can touch the light shining from above that is €
THE HEINOUS BASTARD'S 5TH ANNUAL COLLEGE FOOTBALL PRE-SEASON POLL SPECTACULAR
BONANZA!
Once upon a time, not long ago, I picked so well that people around the world
were shouting my name. Unfortunately, that year was not last year.
Last year, I bought the
farm, I bit the big one. But that is alright. This is another year.
This year, like the last four, I will begin with number ten and work my way to
the top. Along the way, I would like to share a quip or two€crap, forget that, I
am gonna show some pictures of some lovely ladies! So let's begin with number
10-
10) Ohio State Buckeyes
Yeah, that's right you poisonous nuts! Number 10! I know they won the
championship, and that has to count for something. However, this year, although
most publications have them ranked highly, I have to say "no€you€didn't". Here
is the positive - as far as we know, all starters are back on offense. Most of
the defense is back. So what is the problem? Well beyond the coach, who is a
stand up guy, the Buckeyes have no heart left in them. They are what we like to
call in this part of the world, a bunch of tea sipping pansies. Their starting
running back Maurice Clarett may be unbelievable in the backfield, but from what
I gather it is rather unbelievable to see him in a classroom as well. He is in
such trouble that if the NCAA finds him ineligible for last year, the OSU freaks
will have to forfeit their national championship. How you like me now, suckas!
Anywho, that is the Buckeyes. They will win a lot of games but lose in games
that they don't forecast out as big ones such as Purdue and NC State. Keep your
eyes on this one.
9) Texas Longhorns
I can't say too much about the Texas Longhorns. They are forever underachieving,
their coach is a recruiter of great talent with no heart. I can't figure out if
they are peaking at the same time, or that other great teams are peaking and
they miss their turn or what. It is truly a mystery to me. What I can guarantee
you is that they will lose 2 games this year, one at Oklahoma and the other at
some weird second-rate team like Texas A&M. It will happen, mark my words.
8) Auburn
Auburn is so good on offense it is scary. They have guys in the backfield that
could start for any team. Unreal talent. However, when they wrote the rules of
football it was clear - there must be only ball in play at any given time. These
guys are terrific, but they can't all carry that ball all the time. I can see a
couple of things happen here. One will transfer, likely Tre Smith, one will get
hurt, likely Carnell Williams, and the other will fail to make grades, likely Hu
Longmire. Auburn has a very tough road ahead of them, playing the likes of
Southern Cal, Tennessee and Georgia. However, I think that they run through the
SEC and have a nice showing in the Fiesta or whatever Bowl. It hurts me to say
this, but Auburn is the best team in the SEC and the only one ranked in the HB
Poll.
7) Maryland Turtles
This is not a typo, Maryland is good. Maryland has heart and they will need it
in an unforgiving ACC. Holy crap! What did I just say? Actually, Maryland will
face some challenges given to them by NC State, Virginia and Florida State, but
have plenty to fall back on such as Duke, Wake Forest and UNC. The question is,
can Ralph Friedgen quit eating long enough to focus his team on the big
enchilada, Florida State? These guys have the talent, but need the focus to
finish off teams that they didn't in 2002. The schedule is very nice to the
terrapins this year. If they take advantage of it, they should finish higher
than 7th.
6) Pittsburgh
Pittsburgh is rocking my world this season. Rod Rutherford and company have the
Panther fans forgetting all about Antonio Bryant to the NFL last year.
Pittsburgh is so loaded that it is hard not to love to watch them on the field.
I am not kidding, I am a new fan of this team. They are strong and have a strong
schedule as well. The tandem of Rod Rutherford and Larry Fitzgerald will
absolutely light it up, and they will need to. Their schedule is brutal: Miami,
Notre Dame, Virginia tech, Texas A&M and West Virginia stand in their way. They
will not win the Big East, but it will be fun to watch them try. This team
doesn't roll over like a certain team that wears bright orange in Knoxville, TN.
This team has heart. I think I want to marry them.
5) Florida State Semis
I just feel it this year. A team with so much talent can't just die so easily.
They lose to Miami, but beat the rest.
4) Notre Dame Fighting Irish
These guys are not going away anytime soon. The Irish are back and are playing a
schedule that will haunt my mind like the time I saw a naked picture of Estel
Getty doing the splits commando style. I can count 2, maybe 3 teams that are
relatively soft on the schedule: Washington State, Navy and Stanford. Perhaps
one gimme game in the whole season? What a bunch of crap. So why the confidence?
Cause I believe, baby! Coach Willingham can make a man run through a wall for
him, and he will continue to this season. Notre Dame is still the pinnacle for
top notch student-athletes regardless of what the say down in the swamplands.
Power football, finesse passing game, touch coach, lots of heart. Sounds like a
winner to me.
3) Miami Hurricanes
Miami lost a of players to the draft. This year, unlike the in the past, Miami
is not a team full of thugs and drugs. Not to mention that they are now a team
without the likes of Ken Dorsey, Willis MaGahee, Andre Johnson, the kicker,
punter, 2 offensive and defensive lineman, etc., etc., etc€.
Forget this pick, man, Miami will tank it this year. Wait just a minute, they
still play in the Big East against mostly cream puffs. I see them beating them
all again this year, but losing a touch game to :::gulp::: Tennessee to dash
their chances of a national championship ring.
2) Oklahoma Sooners
Not gonna happen. The Sooners will make it all the way to Sugar Bowl Heaven this
year, but just like Miami last year, they will feel the sting of an upstart who
got lucky for one year. Oklahoma is so fun to watch because they hit really
hard. I mean they hit really hard. Head coach Bobby Stoops is such a
great recruiter that they have locked up the talent inside their borders for
years to come. Not only that, but they avoid Nebraska this year, which although
on the outset doesn't seem like a big deal considering NUs downfall, a break is
a break. They do have Texas, but don't have K State. They are getting away with
it this year. Out of conference scheduling is key as well when you get this high
in the rankings. The Sooners play Alabama, Fresno State, North Texas, and UCLA.
They should walk straight through that jumbled mess. However, they will face a
test in their last game of the year against €.
1) Washington Huskies
Yeah, I said it! The Huskies are a phenomenal team, and one that I promise you
won't find anywhere else as number 1. The Huskies are high flying, tough, and
well manicured bunch of western U.S. weed smokers. What else could you ask for
from a football team? Their schedule is not brutal, although they open with Ohio
State, they have a lot of games that will mean little. I for one am excited to
see the purple and gold return to the top where they belong. Did I mention that
they will have an interim coach while doing the dance? Rick Neuheisel - didn't
you get the memo about no gambling? Ah well, this will be the sort of thing they
make movies about.
So there you have it folks, the top 10. I guarantee that you will find at least
5 of those teams left at the end. And when I say guarantee, I mean, I really,
really think I am right, but not 100% accurate. I will see you soon when we
discuss a topic that has been on the minds of a lot of you for some time now: Is
Jesse Perry really blond?
Now a picture of a hot chick, and a picture of Chris Simms:
DO
YOU THINK THAT THE HEINOUS BASTARD IS FULL OF CRAP? TALK ABOUT IT AT THE
MANGY FORUM!
|
