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For two and a half years, the Heinous Bastard has brought you highlights, lowlights and feel good stories. He has enlightened the general public with his vast array of knowledge and helped the common man see a future that wasn't there before.  The only thing that the heinous one didn't do was successfully pick the preseason college football ranks accurately in the year 2000.  But unlike the other sportswriters around town, I will tell you that I choked on that one and it tasted pretty bad.  On that note, I bring you the year of redemption, the day of reckoning...

The 3rd Annual Heinous Bastard College Football Spectacular!

Last year, college football lovers saw the University of Oklahoma win it all.  Reminiscent of 1998 when UT won the shooting match, no one considered OU a viable threat.  They had a soft armed QB, and a new coach to boot. What we have this year is another strong OU team with the same schedule they had last year.

Texas also looks nice.  On paper.  They replace an amazing QB for one that is glamorous.  Major Applewhite was a great success story for UT, while Chris Simms waited in the wings.  The Longhorn faithful waited for a long time for Applewhite to slip up, and when he did, they replaced him with an unproven QB in Simms.  Simms did shine in the spotlight and looks to improve on last year.  Texas has almost their entire team returning this year and they look hot.  One problem though, head coach Mack Brown isn't good at winning big games, and that will be the tell-tale sign this season.  The man can recruit with the best of them, but can he coach on the field.  We shall see.

Florida.  The armpit of the southeast is back with a vengeance. Coach Spurrier sucks, I mean, is a great coach with a talented team.  He also has a favorable schedule that has Florida playing their main rivals at home this year.  As usual there is a controversy at quarterback.  Which all-star should I start at QB? Well if his history repeats itself, one of them will start, the other will become frustrated, and they will both become great college QBs and horrible NFL QBs.

Florida State is back in the headlines and, if you don't count the guy who got arrested the other day, it isn't for off the field problems.  The Semis don't have a starting quarterback. They don't have the same offensive coordinator.  By golly Miss Molly whatever will they do?  Probably win about 11 games and finish in the top 5 I guess.

Tennessee.  Miserable schedule.  Unproven backfield.  Cocky southern California
quarterback.  I see 11 wins in their future.  Did I mention what year it would be when we see those 11 wins?  With any luck, UT wont play a Big XII team in the bowl game and all will look well for the orange.

It is far too early to look at Heisman candidates, so why don't we do ourselves a favor and look at the Heinous Bastards Preseason College Football Spectacular Top 10 List.

10) Oregon.  The quack attack is back and badder than ever.  QB Joey Harrington is
deadly and his offensive arsenal is back almost 100 percent.  The defense has some holes to fill, specifically on the D-line, linebackers and DBs, but who said defense wins championships?  Not me, man.  This team will win it on offense and hope that the D can hold the opposition below 40.  Oregon goes 9-2.

9)  LSU.  The Cajuns are back and looking to kick it up a notch!  Bam!  Not considered a top 10 by most people, the Tigers are a nasty bunch with a nasty coach.  The heart of the team lies with senior quarterback Rohan Davey. Davey made minced meat out of several teams last year, and he will do it again.  LSU has a murderous schedule with Tennessee, Florida, and Mississippi State, but will beat 2 out of 3 of them.  LSU goes 9-2.

8)  Kansas State.  KSU whipped the holy bejesus out of Tennessee in the Cotton Bowl last year.  It was no fluke.  They were very good.  They are still very good.  The top team in the Big XII are better than the top teams of any other conference, and KSU is up there with them. Regardless of the schedule that is usually soft (they pick up USC this year), Kansas State is going to be a handful for any opposition.  KSU goes 9-2.

7)  Texas.  The Longhorns have a nice looking team but will have to prove it against the likes of New Mexico State and Houston.  Will this be enough tune up for the good team that Texas will face?  In possibly the biggest riddle since that fruity guy wearing the green suit in the Batman shows, Texas has underachieved year in and year out.  I don't see them losing often, but they will lose.  

Intermission break for the HB to give a shout out!

This year, the top teams in the land will be separated by such miniscule numbers that the top 7 teams will have one or fewer losses.  Mark it down!

6)OOOOOklahoma!  The Sooners are tough but are missing their leader from a year ago, QB Josh Heupel.  Heupel was a cool customer and they will miss him.  But not that much, sucka!  OU  will also lose one game this year, to a bitter rival.  Can you guess who that might be?

5)  Florida State Semis.  The Semis are in dire need of some experience at the QB
position, but are completely loaded everywhere else.  By the time FSU finally plays a
decent team, Miami, they will have solidified their QB and will crush all that lay in their path.  Unfortunately for Saint Bobby (blasphemy!) they will lose one along the way.

4)  Tennessee. Last year I got blasted for not including UT in my top 10 poll.  Last year, well, they sucked ass.  This year, they have a ton of talent.  If Tennessee can get through the rough part of their schedule (the first 9 games) then they should be great.  Tough matches against Florida, LSU, Alabama, Notre Dame, Syracuse, Georgia, South Carolina, and Memphis (don't laugh) could make this year tough for Vol lovers.  It could also be magical.  I predict Tennessee loses to Florida but beats everyone else.

3)  Nebraska.  They have been counted out before and made people pay dearly.  They have a lot of bite this year, including the services of QB Eric Crouch and TE Tracey Wistrom.  Nobody will get in the way of Nebraska winning the Big XII title this year, especially not the tea-sips from Texas.  But Nebraska still wont be able to crack the top 2 because of the likes of ....

2)  Miami.  A few years ago, a young lad named Chris Simms committed to play at the University of Tennessee.  Having seen that UT had signed him, another young fellow named Ken Dorsey decided to go elsewhere.  Unfortunately for the Vols, Simms backed out on his commitment, and Dorsey decided to go play at Miami.  Miami should have been in the big game last year but got screwed out, IMHO, this year they get revenge.  No Michael Vick,  no Chris Weinke, no Butch Davis.  The Hurricanes are so talented that even the Clinton High School team from Bubbas senior year couldn't beat them.  Unfortunately for the Canes, this team will beat them in the Rose Bowl...

1)  Florida.  My heart beat soars whenever I utter their name.  So I won't.  I will call them Boris.  Boris has a fine team this year with pretty much everyone back.  Arrggg! I can't do it.  Florida wins the national championship in front of the world, and all the people outside of Florida let out a bitter moan.

Only time will tell how my predictions will stand up.  Maybe we will never know.  What we do know is that even if I suck it up, I will be back next year for the 4th Annual Heinous Bastard College Football Spectacular!  See you next time with a look at Martha Stewart, the Iron Chef, and that midget from Different Strokes.