email The Heinous Bastard

You canŠt have sports without women, and this one takes the cake in my book.  Ah, Ashley, you got it going on.  

OK, peasants, you asked for it, you got it . . . college football.  But before we take a walk down that path, we need to discuss a few things that have happened since we last met.  Again, what I say is my choice and what I believe; if you donŠt like it, tough.  You always have the option to [send me some mail] debating how you feel.

1) The WomenŠs World Cup

First of all, let me take the opportunity to brag about how I predicted this match.  Second, let me say congrats to the US for winning.  Last, let me say, the Chinese got robbed. 

Rule number 1, the goalie cannot leave the line until the opposing player has touched the ball.  Our goalie moved first giving herself an advantage to stop the ball.  This should have been seen by the officials, but they were obviously blind.

2) The UmpireŠs †retirementÿ on September 2, 1999.

DonŠt let the door hit your ass on the way out.  What makes these guys think that we give a hairy ratŠs butt whether they walk out or not?  They arenŠt being treated fairly?  They want to judge themselves and have no one to answer to?  I donŠt think so, Buddha.  DonŠt come to my work and tell me that you are only accountable to yourself. 

You know, we might have a little sympathy for these guys if they werenŠt such damn self-righteous, overbearing, controversy starting, fat, pieces of crap.  They donŠt take care of themselves, they have no legitimate strike zone, and they start fights with the players and coaches.

Come on, man. So I say †off with youÿ and I think the rest of the sports fans out there would agree with me.

3) Jamal Lewis

Everyone knows this guy will go pro after next year if he does well.  It is similar to the whole Peyton Manning thing that happened in 1997, but without the suspense.  Now I have been hearing on the radio the last few weeks that there is a buzz on campus concerning Jamal.  Word is that he will not be ready for the start of the season, that his rehab is coming slower, that he has had some setbacks. 

DonŠt believe it, peasants!  My sources, who will always remain nameless, have told me that he is without doubt ready to start the season.  He has apparently spent a lot of time working out the kinks with Kristen †Aceÿ Clement, and is ready for Wyoming.  So do like ole Heinous Bastard does, do not believe what you hear. 

The Heinous BastardŠs College Football Preview (Part 1)

I often wonder, as I sit in my hallowed hole, what would life be like if college football lasted year-round.  My first instinct is to feel great joy, as football has enriched our lives as sports fans.  College football combines the beauty of the student-athlete and the regional patriotism that envelops us all.  The student athlete has only one objective: get a degree in a field that will bring them mental fortitude and monetary prosperity. 

Wait a second!!  I meant to say that they want to go on to riches in their respective professional leagues.  Duh, I mean, who am I kidding?  These guys are no longer a group of students who gather to represent their schools, who bleed the colors of the ole alma mater.  These guys are brought together by recruiters who care not about their mental fortitude or potential in the classroom. 

These guys are graded not in the classroom, but the weight room.  And as we have brought these players to represent us, our city, our state, our conference, we have lost sight that they are often mocking the system that has gotten us were we are today.

That taken into consideration, my second thought, after great joy, is anticipation. We all anticipate the coming of a new school year so that we can see these fellows represent our schools.  If we did not have the Spring and Summer to think about it, to get all revved up, we would take it for granted.  That having been said, ole Heinous Bastard is going to start to run down the only top ten list you will ever need to read (until next year).

10     Wisconsin

Ok, so you have Ron Dayne, who will most likely break some records this year, including the longstanding career rushing yards record held by Ricky Williams.  You also have a great offensive line, so your offense is covered, sort of.  What you have lost is a veteran QB who knew where his paycheck was, so he handed off to Dayne early and often.  They have a new QB at the helms, Scott Kavanaugh, senior, who is suspect at best.  It will take time for this new combo to gel, but when they do--watch out, they will be lethal. 

Problem is--can they stop anyone?  Of course they can, you say?  They did lead Division I in scoring defense last year, but who did they play?  Well let me tell you, the only three decent teams they played were Purdue and UCLA last year, and they gave up 55 points combined to them.  They also played Penn State who took a sleeping pill every time someone good came to play. 

This year is no different.  They begin with Our Little Sisters of the Holy Poor and continue on from there.  They will have no trouble with their schedule until they face off against a fired up Michigan team, then go to Ohio State.  This is where WisconsinŠs two losses will come from, mark it down. If they prove me wrong, IŠll buy them lunch.

9 Florida

I know what you are thinking, †This guy is sick in the head.  All that crack cocaine has really gotten to himÿ.  Well you may be right, but hear me out first.  Florida is hungry.  Florida is starving and ready for supper.  The main problem is that they have no teeth.  They are absolutely a fast team with remarkable talent, as usual, but they are so inexperienced, I can only think they will fall flat again. 

Here is what I see, as should you. You start at QB, Doug Johnson, who has a huge burden on his shoulder; lift Florida back to greatness.  Then you have Travis Taylor, all-America preseason.  Then you have gaping holes all over the field.  Your offensive line is solid, so protection will be there, but you lost 9 starters on defense.  Buddy, let me tell you, you better have more than that to stop Florida State and Tennessee. 

What Florida does have is coaching, loud fans, and an appetite to reach the top again.  But not so fast my chompy friend, it wonŠt happen this year.  Florida loses to Tennessee (at home), and to Florida State (at home).  The early cream puffs just wonŠt get the engine purring fast enough.

8 Texas A&M

What can I say about TAMU that you donŠt already know?  They have momentum going for them after a successful campaign last year.  A key win over Kansas State in the Big XII Championship Game helped propel Texas A&M back into prominence on the national scene. Additionally, the Aggies play a 3-4 scheme and they return their interior lineman.  So the 3 is in good shape, the 4 however, has two new faces. 

Now the bad news.  The Aggies have lost a few major players by the names of Nguyen, and Stewart (donŠt laugh).   They also lost two valuable offensive linemen.  What returns is a safe quarterback, and a veteran team with a lot of heart.  We should be watching out for the Aggies to represent the Big XII South in the title game again, with possible Sugar Bowl implications.  Their tests this year will come again from Nebraska and Texas, but the rest looks like a walk in the park for this team with few question marks.

Next time: 4-7