Mangy Dog

(Back in 2004, when Jesse Perry was running for President, he was the subject of malicious charges from his opponents.  This press release was issued as a result.)

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Contact:
John Hellums,
Campaign Manager
Perry for President ‘04
91 Soft Money Lane
Nashville, TN 37211
Phone: 615-555-HACK

http://www.mangydog.com

john.hellums@mangydog.com

Presidential Candidate Perry Denies Internet Rumors

Nashville, TN — April 15, 2004 — Independent Presidential candidate Jesse Perry has released a statement in regards to the accusations made by his rivals on the Internet over the past few weeks. The statement reads as follows:

My fellow Americans, as well as the good people in Mississippi, when I first announced my intentions to run for the Presidency of the United States and Mississippi, I knew that it would be a long, hard slog . . . As an independent candidate, I am a target of the worst kind of libel, slander, rumors, and lies, from both ends of the political spectrum, whether it be the Republican politician who retains his position through charisma, deceit, and select financial payoffs, or the Democratic politician who retains his position through charisma, deceit and select financial payoffs.

I have recently been informed that my rivals are attempting the worst kind of smear campaign . . . Through an anonymous rumor that was published on the online tabloid the Drudge Report, baseless accusations have cropped up across the World Wide Web accusing me of engaging in illicit sexual acts in a Louisiana motel room on or around March 17, 2004. Already, the pictures have been posted across the Internet, and numerous online commentators have run with the story, unaware of the context of the photographs.

However, I can easily explain the photographs, and will do so in the upcoming paragraphs in a way that I am confident will put to rest these vicious, horrible rumors.

Let’s look at the first photo:

My opponents contend that this was Step One of my “seduction” of a young intern on my staff. According to my opponents, the staffer claims that this was all part of my “seduction dance,” and was a move that I called “The Pensive Flower.” This is simply not true. As you can tell by my far-off gaze and jutted-out tongue, I was working on solutions for the economy, the very same economy that George W. Bush has neglected for four years, while he’s been indulging his Rambo-esque fantasies. I don’t see any dead American soldiers on the bed spooning with me, do you?

Now, let’s look at the next photo:

According to the same anonymous sources, I had supposedly transitioned into “The Swan,” a seductive move I claimed to have learned from Fred Garvin, a notorious male prostitute that lived in the Midwest. This is, of course, ludicrous. I was simply showing my strong and vital backbone, as a way of showing that Senator Kerry has none. While Kerry was busy voting affirmatively for a lot of things that he suddenly hates now, I was constantly flexing my spine, getting in top senatorial form. If doubters still persist, I will gladly let you stand on my back for up to 30 seconds at a time, in order to show off my spinal prowess.

Finally, I will address the third and final photo:

Okay, first off, that’s probably not me. Secondly, it is rather well known that due to several long-standing prostate problems, I occasionally like to stretch into a position that Zen Buddhists refer to as “airing it out.” Also, my nipple-chafing problem has been discussed in other forums. Thirdly, and most importantly, that’s probably not me.

Now that I have addressed these allegations in a completely honest manner, I would like to rebut the quote one Geoff Breedwell, a campaign manager on my opponent’s staff, said on an Internet forum:

“I saw true posers when I went to Hollywood. They looked and acted just like you. Hmmmm…sounds interesting.”

This is a slanderous and needless accusation . . . As I said above, what I am doing in the above pictures is NOT posing, it is simply a series of physical expressions that I make while I’m trying to make the world a better place. I also say, SHAME ON YOU, Mr. Breedwell, for using the Internet as a way to tell a bunch of weird in-jokes that maybe ten people get. You won’t see that kind of tomfoolery from Jesse Perry.

Godspeed to you all . . . In these scary post-9/11 times, we must remember to always be vigilant, but to never lose our sense of American pride and strength. And we must always, ALWAYS say the phrase “post-9/11″ approximately 260 times a day.

I look forward to your vote this fall, and God Bless the United States of America and Mississippi.

For information: http://www.mangydog.com or
Contact: john.hellums@mangydog.com
Phone: 615-555-POSE